Why does Trump want Greenland? The island’s main export is icebergs. It’s covered by a massive ice sheet miles thick in spots, making building hotels there mighty dicey. Its population, despite its massive square mileyness, is only about the same as Chester, Pennsylvania, sixty thousand or so, and, like that slum city on the Delaware River, hardly any of them play golf.
It’s not about strategy. Trump never has a strategy. Trump is not playing three-dimensional chess with Putin and XI, who clean his clock on a regular basis. He’s playing Chutes and Ladders with the My Pillow guy, who always lets him win.
We don’t need Greenland to defend America. We already have a military base in Greenland, where America’s brave service people stand on guard against America’s enemies and theirs, which are intense boredom, seasonal affective disorder and the occasional hungry polar bear. If we want to expand our military footprint, frozen wasteland-wise, we already have Greenland’s advance permission to build as many more military bases there as we want, as long as we are willing to chip away glaciers to situate them.
Greenland has no oil fields. There are no Danish oil tankers full of Greenland crude for Trump to seize, even if he sent Delta Force to kidnap the King of Denmark.
Greenland has rare earth minerals, which are buried underneath the above-mentioned miles of ice. Not exactly handy, but Trump raves about rare earths all the time, even though he wouldn’t know a rare earth if it swallowed him up whole.
Just today Trump explained that he needed to have Greenland because he was not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He sent a letter to the government of Norway, which does not award the Prize, saying that since he didn’t get it, he was giving the whole concept of peace the finger, as if it was merely an auto worker in Detroit.
No, the reason Trump wants Greenland is because by annexing this gigantic freezer-land in the Arctic, the US will become a bigger nation than Canada. You can check this on Google. It will be the second-largest nation on Earth, in terms of square miles, even though, like Canada’s, many of them will be square miles full of frozen moose shit. In size, it will trail only his buddy Putin’s Russia.
Unlike strategy, “bigger’ is a concept Trump understands, like “gold airplane” and “pussy.” He wants Greenland like a six-year-old wants the biggest piece of cake at a birthday party, like a pubescent jock wants the girl with the biggest boobs, or like that asshole at the country club that everybody secretly hates wants the nicest golf cart.
It’s that simple.
It’s not about strategy. Trump never has a strategy. Trump is not playing three-dimensional chess with Putin and XI, who clean his clock on a regular basis. He’s playing Chutes and Ladders with the My Pillow guy, who always lets him win.
We don’t need Greenland to defend America. We already have a military base in Greenland, where America’s brave service people stand on guard against America’s enemies and theirs, which are intense boredom, seasonal affective disorder and the occasional hungry polar bear. If we want to expand our military footprint, frozen wasteland-wise, we already have Greenland’s advance permission to build as many more military bases there as we want, as long as we are willing to chip away glaciers to situate them.
Greenland has no oil fields. There are no Danish oil tankers full of Greenland crude for Trump to seize, even if he sent Delta Force to kidnap the King of Denmark.
Greenland has rare earth minerals, which are buried underneath the above-mentioned miles of ice. Not exactly handy, but Trump raves about rare earths all the time, even though he wouldn’t know a rare earth if it swallowed him up whole.
Just today Trump explained that he needed to have Greenland because he was not awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He sent a letter to the government of Norway, which does not award the Prize, saying that since he didn’t get it, he was giving the whole concept of peace the finger, as if it was merely an auto worker in Detroit.
No, the reason Trump wants Greenland is because by annexing this gigantic freezer-land in the Arctic, the US will become a bigger nation than Canada. You can check this on Google. It will be the second-largest nation on Earth, in terms of square miles, even though, like Canada’s, many of them will be square miles full of frozen moose shit. In size, it will trail only his buddy Putin’s Russia.
Unlike strategy, “bigger’ is a concept Trump understands, like “gold airplane” and “pussy.” He wants Greenland like a six-year-old wants the biggest piece of cake at a birthday party, like a pubescent jock wants the girl with the biggest boobs, or like that asshole at the country club that everybody secretly hates wants the nicest golf cart.
It’s that simple.
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