Following the lead of their leader, Felonius Bunk, Republican pols everywhere are warming to the idea of an economic nosedive.
“We haven’t had a decent recession since Bush II,” said one Congressional leader, speaking on condition of anonymity. “it’s just been growth and prosperity since then, except for Covid, which was China’s fault. Americans are pining for an old-school market crash and widespread unemployment.
“You look at the last Democrat economy and it just makes your skin crawl. Sure, we had inflation, but we also had burger-flippers making twenty bucks an hour. That kind of wage for unskilled labor makes GOPers shudder like a transgender athlete about to attempt the 300-meter hurdles. Poor people deserve to be poor, and there’s nothing like a good crash in the labor market to make every one of them grateful to be working for the minimum wage, which we could lower during an economic emergency.
“Even that last Republican money meltdown wasn’t our best. Maybe you’re too young to remember stagflation. Talk about the best of times! College grads were driving taxis—yeah, it was before we had immigrants or Uber—unless they were willing to swallow their hippie pride and go to work for their dads’ companies.
“Sure, some Americans aren’t going to enjoy this dip in the economic road—people are going to have to give up their avocado toast and nine-dollar coffee drinks. They’ll be spreading margarine on burnt Wonder Bread and washing it down with instant Maxwell House, just like we used to do.
“Hell, tariffs are going to up the price of avocados to maybe twelve bucks each. But, don’t worry—we Republicans will come up with something like a Strategic Guacamole Reserve, so upscale steak houses and Mexican restaurants that serve margaritas as wide as your face will still be able to get you a few spoonfuls to dip your chips in.
“So, put your mind at ease if your future starts crumbling like your IRA. We Republicans will take care of you. There will always be jobs—we need our pool boys and boat mechanics, not to mention the burgeoning market for landscapers and agricultural workers that will develop once we deport all the Mexicans.
“And when every Republican has a laid-off federal worker mowing his lawn, that’s when we can say, with pride, that we’ve made America great again.”
“We haven’t had a decent recession since Bush II,” said one Congressional leader, speaking on condition of anonymity. “it’s just been growth and prosperity since then, except for Covid, which was China’s fault. Americans are pining for an old-school market crash and widespread unemployment.
“You look at the last Democrat economy and it just makes your skin crawl. Sure, we had inflation, but we also had burger-flippers making twenty bucks an hour. That kind of wage for unskilled labor makes GOPers shudder like a transgender athlete about to attempt the 300-meter hurdles. Poor people deserve to be poor, and there’s nothing like a good crash in the labor market to make every one of them grateful to be working for the minimum wage, which we could lower during an economic emergency.
“Even that last Republican money meltdown wasn’t our best. Maybe you’re too young to remember stagflation. Talk about the best of times! College grads were driving taxis—yeah, it was before we had immigrants or Uber—unless they were willing to swallow their hippie pride and go to work for their dads’ companies.
“Sure, some Americans aren’t going to enjoy this dip in the economic road—people are going to have to give up their avocado toast and nine-dollar coffee drinks. They’ll be spreading margarine on burnt Wonder Bread and washing it down with instant Maxwell House, just like we used to do.
“Hell, tariffs are going to up the price of avocados to maybe twelve bucks each. But, don’t worry—we Republicans will come up with something like a Strategic Guacamole Reserve, so upscale steak houses and Mexican restaurants that serve margaritas as wide as your face will still be able to get you a few spoonfuls to dip your chips in.
“So, put your mind at ease if your future starts crumbling like your IRA. We Republicans will take care of you. There will always be jobs—we need our pool boys and boat mechanics, not to mention the burgeoning market for landscapers and agricultural workers that will develop once we deport all the Mexicans.
“And when every Republican has a laid-off federal worker mowing his lawn, that’s when we can say, with pride, that we’ve made America great again.”
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