When is this happening? Lost amid the swirl of headlines generated by having a demented grandfather waking up as President every day and screaming at the rest of the world, “GET OFFA MY LAWN!” is the inspiring news that America is becoming more religious.
In particular, the number of self-professed atheists is dropping through the floor. “I just can’t not believe anymore,” sobbed one, in the confessional booth, of all places (The Seal of Confession prevents revealing his name). “I’ve been an atheist since I was twelve, when it became obvious to me that religion doesn’t make any more sense than trying to pee your initials onto an electric fence.
“But now, I don’t see where I have any choice. If Jesus doesn’t show up soon, we’ve got another nearly four years, minimum, of Trump. If He would just appear in glory to judge the living and the dead, Trump might shut up before he makes his next disastrous economic, domestic or foreign policy move. I mean, there’s no guarantee of that—Trump might shove Jesus aside and start issuing pardons to any of his cronies that might be sentenced to Hell—but Jesus has the Higher Power and also a terrible swift sword, according to some sources, so He might just lop of Trump’s head right at his neck labia, and send Trump to Hell.
“And that would be the best part. It’s likely I’m going to Hell myself, to atone for my decades of disbelief, but being gutted by Satan’s imps every day would be worth it, just to watch the Dark Lord masticating Trump with his eternal mandibles, while listening to the Tangerine Drama Queen scream blame at Joe Biden for his predicament. It would make the forever flames bearable for me, especially if I could get a little Aleve once in a while.
“Of course, in my rationalist heart I know that Jesus doesn’t exist, and neither does Hell, but I’m in deep despair. Like a medieval peasant, knee-deep in donkey shit and feeling a touch of the bubonic plague coming on, I know there is no hope for me on Earth. I cling to unlikely possibility of the Redeemer showing up to end all things.
“I know some of my atheist friends are hoping for the Sweet Meteor of Doom to put an end to all life on Earth, but NASA keeps failing to find it. All the near-earth objects seem to be near-misses, so I’m putting my faith in the Lord.
“What’s that, you say? Elon Musk is now in charge of NASA, and he’s abandoning the search for deadly asteroids so he can use the taxpayers’ money to shoot unsold Teslas into the moon’s orbit? So, a planetary collision that will end all existence is still possible? And way more likely than the Rapture? Praise be!
“I mean, never mind, Father. Been nice talking to you, though. I’ll toss a bitcoin in the collection basket on my way out.”
In particular, the number of self-professed atheists is dropping through the floor. “I just can’t not believe anymore,” sobbed one, in the confessional booth, of all places (The Seal of Confession prevents revealing his name). “I’ve been an atheist since I was twelve, when it became obvious to me that religion doesn’t make any more sense than trying to pee your initials onto an electric fence.
“But now, I don’t see where I have any choice. If Jesus doesn’t show up soon, we’ve got another nearly four years, minimum, of Trump. If He would just appear in glory to judge the living and the dead, Trump might shut up before he makes his next disastrous economic, domestic or foreign policy move. I mean, there’s no guarantee of that—Trump might shove Jesus aside and start issuing pardons to any of his cronies that might be sentenced to Hell—but Jesus has the Higher Power and also a terrible swift sword, according to some sources, so He might just lop of Trump’s head right at his neck labia, and send Trump to Hell.
“And that would be the best part. It’s likely I’m going to Hell myself, to atone for my decades of disbelief, but being gutted by Satan’s imps every day would be worth it, just to watch the Dark Lord masticating Trump with his eternal mandibles, while listening to the Tangerine Drama Queen scream blame at Joe Biden for his predicament. It would make the forever flames bearable for me, especially if I could get a little Aleve once in a while.
“Of course, in my rationalist heart I know that Jesus doesn’t exist, and neither does Hell, but I’m in deep despair. Like a medieval peasant, knee-deep in donkey shit and feeling a touch of the bubonic plague coming on, I know there is no hope for me on Earth. I cling to unlikely possibility of the Redeemer showing up to end all things.
“I know some of my atheist friends are hoping for the Sweet Meteor of Doom to put an end to all life on Earth, but NASA keeps failing to find it. All the near-earth objects seem to be near-misses, so I’m putting my faith in the Lord.
“What’s that, you say? Elon Musk is now in charge of NASA, and he’s abandoning the search for deadly asteroids so he can use the taxpayers’ money to shoot unsold Teslas into the moon’s orbit? So, a planetary collision that will end all existence is still possible? And way more likely than the Rapture? Praise be!
“I mean, never mind, Father. Been nice talking to you, though. I’ll toss a bitcoin in the collection basket on my way out.”
RSS Feed
