The big white smoke from the Vatican blew the way of the USA, and now we have an American Pope.
Many observers thought that would not happen, due to America’s world dominance in so many fields, including entertainment, lawsuits, restaurants featuring cheeseburgers, and aircraft carriers.
“We mean, come, on. We all wear blue jeans and t-shirts. We all know who Carrie Underwood and Brad Pitt are. We all recognize America’s leadership in many important areas, including tech and porn,” wail these pitiful foreigners. “At least let us have the Pope.”
But, no. And, according to the teachings of the Church, it was God Himself that said no. The Lord wanted a Pope from the City of Unsolved Killings and Deep-Dish Pizza, Chicago.
There are advantages to having an American Pope. Probably he’s pretty easy for we Americans to understand. That’s important, for a nation that already grits its teeth when we have to listen to “marque el dos,” when we call CVS.
For baseball fans, we now finally have a Pontiff that can put on his Big Hat of Infallibility and explain the infield fly rule. For football fans, the new Vicar of Christ on Earth can try to bless his adopted Detroit Lions into finally winning a Super Bowl.
Having spent many years in Peru, the new Pope can probably even relate to fans of futbol, and bring all of the Americas together on the battlefield of sport, by explaining to the citizens of our country why so many foreign sports fans can wet themselves over a 1-1 tie.
He’ll be a Pope who knows better than to wear his best vestments to the self-checkout line at Walmart.
The only disappointment in the reign of the new capo de tutti capo of all Catholics so far, in American eyes, was his choice of a new name. He could have done better than Leo. Many Americans change their names, mostly artists but occasionally Vice Presidents, but hardly any of them pick a stodgy handle like Leo, especially if you’re going to be stuck with being the 14th one. He could have picked any name he wanted. Pope Ye, for example. Pope Gaga and Pope Jellyroll have nice rings to them, too.
Or he could just have saluted the town he left behind for the balconies of Rome. Pope Motown the First.
That’s almost musical.
Many observers thought that would not happen, due to America’s world dominance in so many fields, including entertainment, lawsuits, restaurants featuring cheeseburgers, and aircraft carriers.
“We mean, come, on. We all wear blue jeans and t-shirts. We all know who Carrie Underwood and Brad Pitt are. We all recognize America’s leadership in many important areas, including tech and porn,” wail these pitiful foreigners. “At least let us have the Pope.”
But, no. And, according to the teachings of the Church, it was God Himself that said no. The Lord wanted a Pope from the City of Unsolved Killings and Deep-Dish Pizza, Chicago.
There are advantages to having an American Pope. Probably he’s pretty easy for we Americans to understand. That’s important, for a nation that already grits its teeth when we have to listen to “marque el dos,” when we call CVS.
For baseball fans, we now finally have a Pontiff that can put on his Big Hat of Infallibility and explain the infield fly rule. For football fans, the new Vicar of Christ on Earth can try to bless his adopted Detroit Lions into finally winning a Super Bowl.
Having spent many years in Peru, the new Pope can probably even relate to fans of futbol, and bring all of the Americas together on the battlefield of sport, by explaining to the citizens of our country why so many foreign sports fans can wet themselves over a 1-1 tie.
He’ll be a Pope who knows better than to wear his best vestments to the self-checkout line at Walmart.
The only disappointment in the reign of the new capo de tutti capo of all Catholics so far, in American eyes, was his choice of a new name. He could have done better than Leo. Many Americans change their names, mostly artists but occasionally Vice Presidents, but hardly any of them pick a stodgy handle like Leo, especially if you’re going to be stuck with being the 14th one. He could have picked any name he wanted. Pope Ye, for example. Pope Gaga and Pope Jellyroll have nice rings to them, too.
Or he could just have saluted the town he left behind for the balconies of Rome. Pope Motown the First.
That’s almost musical.
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