What should concern us all? People are saying “EVERYTHING!” but it’s important, while being crushed mentally by the overwhelming idiocy of world and national events, to identify specific forthcoming issues and prepare oneself to endure them.
One of these is that it is highly likely JD Vance will someday be President, and America will have its first cheesedick Commander-in-Chief.
We have had all kinds of dicks as President, you may argue. We’ve had party dicks, like Kennedy and Clinton, men who would lead the nation in bold new directions every day, and shuck their pants after sundown to wave their wands in the faces of whoever was staying overnight at the White House. We’ve had old dicks like Reagan and Biden, and young dicks like Bush Jr.
We’ve had Tricky Dicks.
After centuries of hesitancy, we finally got some black dick, and we seemed to be okay with it.
No matter what kind of dick we had in the Oval Office, the nation survived.
Currently, we have Old Mushroom Dick, and therein lies the problem. No, he’s not going to be removed from office. Even if the Dems gain the House and impeach him, and the Senate becomes Democratic by one or two votes, you’re never going to see fifteen or sixteen Republican senators, and that’s what it will take, to vote to kick the Tangerine Drama Queen to the curb. Even if the House presented irrefutable evidence that the Caucasian-in-Chief was a fully traitorous, blindly greedy, disgustingly flabby old child molester, evidence that, to be honest, the Democrats already have in hand, and the only argument Trump presented in his defense was to fuck a baby goat to the tune of “YMCA” in the well of the Senate, at least a dozen Republican Senators would refuse to convict him.
They would say things like “A man who can get it up for a goat is obviously qualified to continue in office,” and “The age of the goat is hardly relevant,” and “Biden probably fucked goats too,” and, “Man, you gotta love the Village People,” and find him innocent.
Even John Fetterman, the Democratic Senator from Pennsyltucky, might not vote to convict, knowing that many of his upstate voters had their first sexual experience with livestock.
But the Bruised Hand Buffoon has other health problems, enough that 22 specialists attended his last checkup, and the chances of him going fatal on us before 2029 gets here are significant. Satan could start giving his hair weave a daily swirly in Hell’s dirtiest toilet by the end of any forthcoming week.
Of course, he could wander down the dementia driveway in private, like Reagan did, but Reagan had his wife to run the White House for him. Would Melania do that? Would anybody want her to? Better she should whip out an item from her “I Don’t Care, Do You?” wardrobe and flee the country if Trump starts slobbering on his bib in a severely brain-damaged way. Which he may be doing right now.
The President can hardly pull a Mitch and disappear from public view for a month-and-a-half, either, and there’s always the possibility that he’ll gack out in public, mid-shuffle at a rally, perhaps, collapsing on the White House lawn when he’s supposed to be getting on a helicopter, or just plain tip out of his golf cart on the eighteenth hole.
At that point, America will get its first cheesedick President. Vance epitomizes cheesedickiness, which is the condition of being wildly and unjustifiably convinced of your own superiority at all things. This is information for all of you who thought “cheesedick” was just a throwaway insult, like “turdbite” or “shitbird.” No, a cheesedick like Vance thinks he is smarter than Pete Buttigieg and better-looking than Gavin Newsom, even though he is manifestly neither.
He thinks he is a better Nazi than Stephen Miller and more convincing at lying to foreigners than Marco Rubio. He thinks he wears a beard better than Mamdani, even though that guy is Mayor of New York mostly because he has never taken a bad picture in his life.
He thinks he has more testosterone than Pete Hegseth. He thinks he is a better Catholic than the Pope.
Above all, he thinks he would be a better President than Trump. This bar is subterranean, it is so low, so Vance is right about that, but you could take a homeless guy living in an empty Frigidaire box under the freeway, get him on the right meds for a couple weeks, and he would probably be a better president than Trump.
The problem with a cheesedick President is that Vance would think he could be a better President than anyone else who has ever held the office. What would he want to prove? Would he start a depression, so he could end it like Roosevelt? A civil war, so he could win it like Lincoln? Drop a nuke more effectively than Truman? It could get scary fast.
It’s America’s job to make sure he starts small. “Get away with a blowjob better than Clinton,” is what his advisors should whisper to him. “Lick an ice cream cone better than Biden.”
Or, the ultimate challenge, “Be smoother than Obama.”
That ought to keep him busy until ’29.
One of these is that it is highly likely JD Vance will someday be President, and America will have its first cheesedick Commander-in-Chief.
We have had all kinds of dicks as President, you may argue. We’ve had party dicks, like Kennedy and Clinton, men who would lead the nation in bold new directions every day, and shuck their pants after sundown to wave their wands in the faces of whoever was staying overnight at the White House. We’ve had old dicks like Reagan and Biden, and young dicks like Bush Jr.
We’ve had Tricky Dicks.
After centuries of hesitancy, we finally got some black dick, and we seemed to be okay with it.
No matter what kind of dick we had in the Oval Office, the nation survived.
Currently, we have Old Mushroom Dick, and therein lies the problem. No, he’s not going to be removed from office. Even if the Dems gain the House and impeach him, and the Senate becomes Democratic by one or two votes, you’re never going to see fifteen or sixteen Republican senators, and that’s what it will take, to vote to kick the Tangerine Drama Queen to the curb. Even if the House presented irrefutable evidence that the Caucasian-in-Chief was a fully traitorous, blindly greedy, disgustingly flabby old child molester, evidence that, to be honest, the Democrats already have in hand, and the only argument Trump presented in his defense was to fuck a baby goat to the tune of “YMCA” in the well of the Senate, at least a dozen Republican Senators would refuse to convict him.
They would say things like “A man who can get it up for a goat is obviously qualified to continue in office,” and “The age of the goat is hardly relevant,” and “Biden probably fucked goats too,” and, “Man, you gotta love the Village People,” and find him innocent.
Even John Fetterman, the Democratic Senator from Pennsyltucky, might not vote to convict, knowing that many of his upstate voters had their first sexual experience with livestock.
But the Bruised Hand Buffoon has other health problems, enough that 22 specialists attended his last checkup, and the chances of him going fatal on us before 2029 gets here are significant. Satan could start giving his hair weave a daily swirly in Hell’s dirtiest toilet by the end of any forthcoming week.
Of course, he could wander down the dementia driveway in private, like Reagan did, but Reagan had his wife to run the White House for him. Would Melania do that? Would anybody want her to? Better she should whip out an item from her “I Don’t Care, Do You?” wardrobe and flee the country if Trump starts slobbering on his bib in a severely brain-damaged way. Which he may be doing right now.
The President can hardly pull a Mitch and disappear from public view for a month-and-a-half, either, and there’s always the possibility that he’ll gack out in public, mid-shuffle at a rally, perhaps, collapsing on the White House lawn when he’s supposed to be getting on a helicopter, or just plain tip out of his golf cart on the eighteenth hole.
At that point, America will get its first cheesedick President. Vance epitomizes cheesedickiness, which is the condition of being wildly and unjustifiably convinced of your own superiority at all things. This is information for all of you who thought “cheesedick” was just a throwaway insult, like “turdbite” or “shitbird.” No, a cheesedick like Vance thinks he is smarter than Pete Buttigieg and better-looking than Gavin Newsom, even though he is manifestly neither.
He thinks he is a better Nazi than Stephen Miller and more convincing at lying to foreigners than Marco Rubio. He thinks he wears a beard better than Mamdani, even though that guy is Mayor of New York mostly because he has never taken a bad picture in his life.
He thinks he has more testosterone than Pete Hegseth. He thinks he is a better Catholic than the Pope.
Above all, he thinks he would be a better President than Trump. This bar is subterranean, it is so low, so Vance is right about that, but you could take a homeless guy living in an empty Frigidaire box under the freeway, get him on the right meds for a couple weeks, and he would probably be a better president than Trump.
The problem with a cheesedick President is that Vance would think he could be a better President than anyone else who has ever held the office. What would he want to prove? Would he start a depression, so he could end it like Roosevelt? A civil war, so he could win it like Lincoln? Drop a nuke more effectively than Truman? It could get scary fast.
It’s America’s job to make sure he starts small. “Get away with a blowjob better than Clinton,” is what his advisors should whisper to him. “Lick an ice cream cone better than Biden.”
Or, the ultimate challenge, “Be smoother than Obama.”
That ought to keep him busy until ’29.
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