An exasperated Trump voter was pumping gasoline at a self-service station in Omega, Oklahoma, when he suddenly burst into an enraged tirade.
“Goddammit, I voted for Trump, and now the omelet I had for breakfast cost me more than a set of mud tires!
“I mean, I couldn’t vote for any Democrat, because Fox News kept telling me they’re going to make everybody be transgender, and this state doesn’t care for a bunch of heebie-sheebies running around. Plus, Joe Biden was old, Kamala Harris was a black, or maybe Hindu, and both of them were letting voodoo immigrants eat their neighbors’ pets. At least Trump put a stop to that, because you don’t hear about it anymore. And the border invasion is over, which everybody here was worried about because we don’t like hearing “Markup el dos,” when we call Walgreens. And he was going to lower prices.
“Now he’s back, and he brought Elon Musk with him. Prices aren’t going anywhere except up. There’s going to be tariffs, which means a new car is going to cost as much as a lunar lander.
“All of a sudden, all the Social Security people are fired. My Aunt June is already planning to move in with us when they cut off her check, and she’s bringing her sixteen cats with her. I mean, it’s nice that they deported a gay hairdresser to a torture prison in El Salvador, because I resent anyone with a better haircut than me, and blotted the Enola Gay out of the history books, because everybody knows homosexuals can’t be trusted with atomic weapons, but that's not making up for me having to step around twelve litter boxes.
“And I don’t want to send my kid to the Canadian border to fight a war. Why is Trump pissed off at Canada anyway? Sure, I’ve heard the rumors—he busted in on Melania when she was supposed to be writing her book, and all she had written on the paper was “Justin,” and a bunch of smiley faces and hearts. And yeah, Miss Canada wouldn’t put out for him way back in his Miss Universe days. Trump’s never forgiven her, or the whole country she comes from, for telling him ‘I’d rather fuck an iceberg full of Eskimos.’
“I guess it’s okay that we can call them Eskimos again, because it’s easier to pronounce than Intoits—did I say that right? We use ethnic slurs when we want to and call people retards and look all those DEIers in the eye and say, ‘Yeah, what are you going to do about it?’ Kids are getting measles again, which is good—I had the measles when I was a kid, and I turned out alright.
“I mean, we’re going back in time to an era where drunk, horny white guys were fully in charge of everything, and didn't mind telling everybody about it, only now they do it on Signal. And that’s good, I guess, except that every day Trump wakes up and says he can't remember doing anything, I think that my dad could do that just as well, if they’d let him out of the nursing home.
“So, yeah, I’m getting what I voted for, I guess. Also, a lot of things I didn’t vote for, like Greenland and twelve-dollar avocados. Well, the truck’s full. Going to get a couple gallons extra in this jerrycan, just in case I run low. Or pass a Tesla dealership.”
“Goddammit, I voted for Trump, and now the omelet I had for breakfast cost me more than a set of mud tires!
“I mean, I couldn’t vote for any Democrat, because Fox News kept telling me they’re going to make everybody be transgender, and this state doesn’t care for a bunch of heebie-sheebies running around. Plus, Joe Biden was old, Kamala Harris was a black, or maybe Hindu, and both of them were letting voodoo immigrants eat their neighbors’ pets. At least Trump put a stop to that, because you don’t hear about it anymore. And the border invasion is over, which everybody here was worried about because we don’t like hearing “Markup el dos,” when we call Walgreens. And he was going to lower prices.
“Now he’s back, and he brought Elon Musk with him. Prices aren’t going anywhere except up. There’s going to be tariffs, which means a new car is going to cost as much as a lunar lander.
“All of a sudden, all the Social Security people are fired. My Aunt June is already planning to move in with us when they cut off her check, and she’s bringing her sixteen cats with her. I mean, it’s nice that they deported a gay hairdresser to a torture prison in El Salvador, because I resent anyone with a better haircut than me, and blotted the Enola Gay out of the history books, because everybody knows homosexuals can’t be trusted with atomic weapons, but that's not making up for me having to step around twelve litter boxes.
“And I don’t want to send my kid to the Canadian border to fight a war. Why is Trump pissed off at Canada anyway? Sure, I’ve heard the rumors—he busted in on Melania when she was supposed to be writing her book, and all she had written on the paper was “Justin,” and a bunch of smiley faces and hearts. And yeah, Miss Canada wouldn’t put out for him way back in his Miss Universe days. Trump’s never forgiven her, or the whole country she comes from, for telling him ‘I’d rather fuck an iceberg full of Eskimos.’
“I guess it’s okay that we can call them Eskimos again, because it’s easier to pronounce than Intoits—did I say that right? We use ethnic slurs when we want to and call people retards and look all those DEIers in the eye and say, ‘Yeah, what are you going to do about it?’ Kids are getting measles again, which is good—I had the measles when I was a kid, and I turned out alright.
“I mean, we’re going back in time to an era where drunk, horny white guys were fully in charge of everything, and didn't mind telling everybody about it, only now they do it on Signal. And that’s good, I guess, except that every day Trump wakes up and says he can't remember doing anything, I think that my dad could do that just as well, if they’d let him out of the nursing home.
“So, yeah, I’m getting what I voted for, I guess. Also, a lot of things I didn’t vote for, like Greenland and twelve-dollar avocados. Well, the truck’s full. Going to get a couple gallons extra in this jerrycan, just in case I run low. Or pass a Tesla dealership.”
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