Amid all the confusion about who actually approved the second missile that blew up a couple of brown guys clinging to the wreckage of their panga in the Caribbean a few weeks ago, a new suspect has emerged—Franklin the Turtle.
Franklin, a children’s book hero, notable for heartwarming, lesson-teaching books such as Franklin Goes to School and Franklin Runs Away, had his darker nature revealed by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, in a Tweet celebrating the double-tap elimination of two guys panicking in Spanish right before a missile that cost more than their entire village blew them into chum.
Franklin’s hatred of (alleged) narco-terrorists came as a surprise to his publisher, who tweeted back “Dude, what the fuck?” to Hegseth, when it was revealed that Franklin, far from being an inoffensive cartoon character whose job is to teach first-graders that life isn’t nearly as scary as it sometimes seems to be is, secretly, the leader of Turtle Team Six, whose job is to make fisherman shit their shorts in crystal blue tropical waters, right before a Hellfire missile turns them into chunk bait.
A spokesperson for the Department explained that “Secretary Hegseth personally admires the Franklin books and is someday looking forward to finishing the entire Franklin series.”
When asked why the secretary didn’t employ the services of turtles with more of a combat reputation, i.e., those of the Teenage Mutant Ninja variety, the spokesman replied, “Those turtles are from New York City, so they are suspected Socialists. Besides, Secretary Hegseth has finished all of Mutant Turtles comic books and given most of his favorites to Kash Patel.”
Franklin, a children’s book hero, notable for heartwarming, lesson-teaching books such as Franklin Goes to School and Franklin Runs Away, had his darker nature revealed by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, in a Tweet celebrating the double-tap elimination of two guys panicking in Spanish right before a missile that cost more than their entire village blew them into chum.
Franklin’s hatred of (alleged) narco-terrorists came as a surprise to his publisher, who tweeted back “Dude, what the fuck?” to Hegseth, when it was revealed that Franklin, far from being an inoffensive cartoon character whose job is to teach first-graders that life isn’t nearly as scary as it sometimes seems to be is, secretly, the leader of Turtle Team Six, whose job is to make fisherman shit their shorts in crystal blue tropical waters, right before a Hellfire missile turns them into chunk bait.
A spokesperson for the Department explained that “Secretary Hegseth personally admires the Franklin books and is someday looking forward to finishing the entire Franklin series.”
When asked why the secretary didn’t employ the services of turtles with more of a combat reputation, i.e., those of the Teenage Mutant Ninja variety, the spokesman replied, “Those turtles are from New York City, so they are suspected Socialists. Besides, Secretary Hegseth has finished all of Mutant Turtles comic books and given most of his favorites to Kash Patel.”
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