Today, Attorney General Pam Bondi corrected her misstatement of a few days ago, when she said that the Epstein files, which she had claimed were “on her desk” last February, were nonexistent.
“What I thought were the Epstein files were just some more Hunter Biden porn,” the AG said. “Hey, it was easy to mix them up. The real Epstein files were washed away in a flash flood during the Biden Administration.”
The files were said to contain the names of prominent, horny men for whom the eventually suicidal Epstein procured underage girls to sex party with in private Caribbean orgies. Slobbering conspiracy theorists on both sides of the political divide have clamored for their release, with the right-wingers anxious to confirm that Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Prince Charles, Michelle Obama and Bruce Springsteen, among others, joined the late Epstein (known by his nickname “Epi-Penis”) in uncontrolled lube parties with underage sex slaves, while every Democrat in the country is certain that an individual known as the Mushroom Man to his trembling preteen victims, is all over those files.
“Sadly, we’ll never know,” Bondi admitted. “Recent events in Texas and New Mexico led the intrepid investigators in my DOJ to look for a flash flood explanation for missing Epstein documents, and, sure enough, they found that they had been swept away from a low-lying office in this building. The Department was not adequately informed by the Democrats in the National Meteorological Service at that time that there was a flash-flood warning in effect for certain, highly secure DC offices. Besides the Epstein files, Joe Biden’s sleep-apnea machine, one of Jill Biden’s fake PhD’s, and Merrick Garland’s last remaining testicle were lost to the raging floodwaters.”
After further remarking that she needed to cut the press conference short because “getting the Botox yesterday is really killing me today, people” Bondi closed off by saying, “Nothing to see here, folks.”
“What I thought were the Epstein files were just some more Hunter Biden porn,” the AG said. “Hey, it was easy to mix them up. The real Epstein files were washed away in a flash flood during the Biden Administration.”
The files were said to contain the names of prominent, horny men for whom the eventually suicidal Epstein procured underage girls to sex party with in private Caribbean orgies. Slobbering conspiracy theorists on both sides of the political divide have clamored for their release, with the right-wingers anxious to confirm that Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Prince Charles, Michelle Obama and Bruce Springsteen, among others, joined the late Epstein (known by his nickname “Epi-Penis”) in uncontrolled lube parties with underage sex slaves, while every Democrat in the country is certain that an individual known as the Mushroom Man to his trembling preteen victims, is all over those files.
“Sadly, we’ll never know,” Bondi admitted. “Recent events in Texas and New Mexico led the intrepid investigators in my DOJ to look for a flash flood explanation for missing Epstein documents, and, sure enough, they found that they had been swept away from a low-lying office in this building. The Department was not adequately informed by the Democrats in the National Meteorological Service at that time that there was a flash-flood warning in effect for certain, highly secure DC offices. Besides the Epstein files, Joe Biden’s sleep-apnea machine, one of Jill Biden’s fake PhD’s, and Merrick Garland’s last remaining testicle were lost to the raging floodwaters.”
After further remarking that she needed to cut the press conference short because “getting the Botox yesterday is really killing me today, people” Bondi closed off by saying, “Nothing to see here, folks.”
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