richardcahill.net

Ted Nugent Blasts Obama for Arresting His Wife

9/2/2013

Shemane Nugent in custody

Shemane Nugent, the wife of NRA board member and singer-songwriter Ted Nugent, composer of the smash hit "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" was arrested at Dallas –Forth Worth International Airport after a handgun was discovered in her carry-on luggage by airport security—News item.

While as of this writing rock legend and big-time gun advocate Ted Nugent had not made any public statements regarding his wife carrying her heater into the security line at DFW airport, I knew it had to be eating away at him. When I finally caught up to him, he was ready to vent.

Ted, I've been trying to reach you for days. Where have you been?

"Outside murdering stuff. It's the only way I can cope with my wife getting arrested."

She's only facing a $2000 fine, Ted. It could have been a lot worse.

"It could have been a lot better. I blame Obama and his faux socialist, faux fascist imperial Presidency. It's like the guy thinks he's the boss of us all."

A lot of Presidents have given off that vibe, Ted. You, on the other hand, give off the vibe of someone who doesn't really know what 'faux' means, let alone 'fascist' or 'socialist.' I don't understand how you can blame Obama for your wife's arrest. It's been illegal to carry guns on airplanes since at least the '70's.

"Are you kidding? Remember when I said that if Obama was re-elected, I'd be dead or in jail in six months. Well, it turns out I was misquoted. I really meant my wife would be in jail. How can I not blame Obama?"

Maybe if you kept fewer guns around the house, Ted, you and your wife could keep better track of them, so she wouldn't grab a purse with a handgun in it when she was running off to the airport.

"That's typical libtard thinking. A gun is just a tool. It doesn't conceal itself. My wife isn't wrong for having too many guns. Her problem is she has too many purses. But no one talks about how irresponsible purse manufacturers are, for not making a separate line of purses marked 'Airport.' That way America's chicks would know not to put their guns in 'em."

So it's the handbag manufacturers of America that are to blame for your wife's incarceration?

"Them and Obama. If it wasn't for his jackbooted governing style, white, non-Muslim people would be able to carry their guns anywhere they wanted. You can trust white people with guns. Sometimes you can even trust half-white people with guns, but that's iffy. You can trust George Zimmerman, for example, but not Obama. But white people are cool when they strap heat. That's what history tells us."

Umm, Ted, history tells us the Nazis were white people.

"Well, American history, then. That's the only history that matters, anyway. When white people have guns, they create a vast, free nation out of virgin wilderness. Whereas history tells us that when you give Indians or Mexicans guns, all they do is shoot back. And when black people have guns, all you get is black on black crime."

I've been wondering about the black-on-black crime thing, Ted, especially since your buddies at FOX News has been sobbing about it since the Zimmerman trial. Some of us suspect that's a mite hypocritical, that FOX and its viewers don't really care if blacks shoot each other. In fact, we think they might be slightly in favor of it.

"That's BS, dude. The way we feel about black-on-black crime is the same way we feel about the n-expression. As my man Rush says, if they can use that word to each other, why can't we use that word? And if they want to shoot each other, why can't we shoot..."

Ted, you don't want to say that.

"You're right, dude. Nobody in my family would ever make it through airport security again. Haw!"

0 Comments

US Government Wants to Kill All Americans

4/29/2013

0 Comments

Stella Tremblay, a New Hampshire state assemblywoman, was the first to play the conspiracy card regarding the Boston Marathon bombing, claiming that the attack was a 'black op' engineered by Navy Seals at the direction of the federal government, and that the alleged killers were just 'patsies.'

This comes on the heels of a multiplicity of theories concerning the mass murder at Sandy Hook elementary being carried out by government ops, variations on which claimed that the children were not really dead and actors had been hired to play the role of the grieving parents, in order to promote a gun control agenda.

What government end the Boston bombing was meant to achieve is not being actively speculated upon. Since the bombs were filled with ball bearings, it could have been ball-bearing control. Or marathon control. I have always maintained that marathons are a terrible idea. The first person who ever completed one died on the spot. Possibly, in the shadowy, mind-controlling upper echelons of the US Government, somebody else feels the same way.

Coupled together with the enduring belief that the destruction of the towers of the World Trade Center on 9/11 could not possibly have been caused by terrorists flying airplanes into them, even though we all watched airplanes flying into them and one conclusion becomes inevitable—ONLY THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT HATES AMERICANS AND WANTS TO KILL THEM.

Once one accepts this belief, everything becomes clear. First off, they're all in this together. All the bile and bitter accusations of election campaigns, all the bags of money begged from oil companies and Hollywood to finance attack ads—they're all cynical fakeries. Obama and Boehner, Pelosi and Cruz, even Ron Paul are all creatures of the United Nations. They communicate by secret courier-carried thumb drives to prevent detection. They've all got 'Agenda 21' tattooed between their toes.

Likewise, Navy Seals are not regular Americans, because it is pretty hard to believe that young American men, imbued with patriotism and a yearning to become powerful defenders of their country, upon their acceptance into Seal training and being told 'You know, your real job is to randomly murder American innocents in fake terrorist attacks,' would instantly say "Cool. I was hoping it was something like that.' No, these men don't come from among us. Possibly they are grown in huge, grisly pods like the ones in the Matrix. Or they get mind-wiped by that blinkie thing from Men in Black.

"Richard," I hear you saying. "Those are just movies. In reality, those things don't exist." My answer—HOW DO YOU KNOW? Suppose the Matrix is real, and there are Men in Black. Suppose those films are actually documentaries!

I can see you nodding your head. Another thing—Armed Muslim fanatics actually love America. They only maintain secret combat camps so that they can spring into action on our behalf should we decide to invade their country. If you accidentally stumbled upon a bivouacking terror cell, they would probably offer you a bowl of Cocoa Krispies or some other classic American breakfast food as a token of their love for all things American and then let you shoot their guns.

That's why we kill them with drones--the government doesn't want you to find this out!

The whole North-Korea-has-the-bomb lie is the most terrifying portent of all. North Korea is really a peaceful country where the peasants spend all day holding hands and singing songs from Disney movies. They no more have the bomb than they have flying saucers. But the government wants you to think they have a nuclear-tipped ICBM that can lay waste to the West Coast. Why? BECAUSE THE US GOVERNMENT PLANS TO BLOW UP THE WEST COAST! We don't know why, but my guess is that they want to make room for more Mexicans to move there.

Don't believe me? Fine. You've been told. Just stick around, sheeple. Your next clue is going to be opening your window and feeling the morning breeze blowing in at about 50,000 degrees.

Me, I'm moving to Montana, and pulling out all my own teeth.

0 Comments

Pistol-Packing Pre-Borns

4/15/2013

0 Comments

Representative Steve Stockman of Texas has recently issued the bumper sticker at left urging his re-election under the slogan "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted."

A lot of people were offended by this. Others just shrugged it off as the type of wholesome, Big Texas nuttiness for which the Congressman has previously been noted. Still others point out that if babies were armed, it might be a lot tougher to get them out of the car at day care or make them eat strained peas.

What the Congressman is actually advocating are armed fetuses. He is combining his appreciation for personal firepower with his conviction that any medical device or procedure that allows a woman to have sex without risking popping another seven pounds or so of squalling human into this world is morally wrong.

Whether recently formed blastocysts that are smaller than the period at the end of this sentence should be armed, or only fetuses that have formed eyes and hands and are at least theoretically capable of locking and loading should have access to firearms is a question too fraught to be fully examined in the medium of a bumper sticker, and I don't blame the Representative for not raising it. Arming the pre-born, however, would bring about profound world changes, and perhaps the Representative has not thought them entirely through. Fortunately, he has me to do that for him:

1. No more of those messy Early Pregnancy Tests...just walk through the metal detector at the airport to find out if you're in a family way.

2. Background checks for fetuses—Waived!

3. Sonogram determines not only the sex of the baby but the caliber of its weapon.

4. Pregnant women jumping on trampolines currently just discouraged...now needs to be prohibited by law in the interests of public safety.

5. Fetus provides shotgun at all shotgun marriages.

6. Nervous new fathers now required not only to cut umbilical cord, but disarm the child afterwards.

7. Only SWAT teams permitted to perform Cesareans.

8. Damn fine excuse for not having sex with your pregnant wife.

9. Hunting safety courses tacked on to Lamaze classes.

10. Instead of classical music, pre-borns get music they want to hear-- ZZ Top, .38 Special, or just romantic ballads about outlaw fetuses.

And, finally, fetuses may opt to remain in womb under "Stand Your Ground" laws in some states.

It's going to be a brave new world in Texas. Congressman Stockman, besides peddling his bumper stickers, is encouraging all "persecuted" gun owners and manufacturers to move there. He hasn't added "and get somebody pregnant" yet. He's saving that for his next bumper sticker would be my guess.

0 Comments

Kindergarten Made Me What I Am

7/2/2012

0 Comments

Apparently, we need more of these

I am a criminal. I've been one all my life. Very occasionally, during the course of another crime spree, I wondered how I became this way. I grew up in an intact home. There were no broken windows in my childhood neighborhood. I'm a white college-educated native English-speaking male. Yet all my life I've broken the law.

It started when I was barely past puberty. I took drugs. All kinds of them. In a pathetic attempt at defending my behavior, I note here that nearly everybody in my generation took drugs when they were young. We regarded it as a form of résumé building.

I don't take drugs anymore. Haven't for years. They have drugs now that they didn't have when I was a kid. I don't feel that I need to take them, particularly "bath salts," the newest drug to achieve media recognition, mostly because a man tried to eat another man's face off while supposedly under the influence of it, or them. It turns out the only drug the face-eater was on when he went on his cannibal snack-spree was marijuana.

I'm familiar with that drug. It can make you hungry.

Nowadays my criminality exhibits itself in more subtle ways. I drive the wrong way in parking lots and smirk at people who self-righteously wave their hands or yell at me when I do it. I let my kid drink alcohol, even though he won't be twenty-one for three more months, figuring that he needs the practice. If I accidentally toss a bottle in the non-recyclables, I don't get my hands dirty fishing it out. I speed down the freeway at ten miles an hour over the limit, knowing I am simultaneously breaking the law and annoying all of the other drivers, who are going twenty miles an hour over the limit.

I don't eat donuts loaded with trans-fats and wash them down with 44-ounce sodas because I live in California, where these items are legal. If I lived in New York City I would. I'm that kind of miscreant.

I had long ceased wondering what led me into a life of crime when the unsolicited answer hit me like a brick across the eyebrows yesterday when I flicked on the PC. According to Bob Kingsbury, an 86-year-old Tea Party legislator in New Hampshire, it was because I went to kindergarten. This venerable lawmaker claims that crime is higher in districts where kids go to kindergarten.

Makes sense to me, especially when I recall the person who led me into a life of anti-social behavior, my kindergarten teacher and personal Fagin, Mrs. World. Her actual name may have been Werle or Werld or Wald. We kindergartners called her Mrs. World because she had a globe on her desk. Besides inseminating us with the seeds of criminality, she taught us right from left, how to read a non-digital clock and allowed us to play with safety scissors and cardboard. She let us glue macaroni into lumps of macaroni. She warned us not to eat the macaroni afterwards, but some of us did. It tasted like glue.

Of course she seemed eons older than me then, but she was probably only about twenty-five. She may very well still be around. I should look her up, let her know she's to blame for the mess I turned into.

If she doesn't believe me, she can go ask Bob.

0 Comments

Tea Party GOOD, Nazi Party BAD--A Political Primer

8/15/2011

1 Comment

A lot of talk in these politically polarized times turns around comparisons to the Nazi Party. Strident liberals have compared their Tea Party opponents to the leaders of the fascist Third Reich, and Tea Party members have responded in kind. In fact, there's nothing Tea Partiers like more than comparing people to Nazis. Glenn Beck, Tea Party icon, reflexively calls anybody he doesn't like a Nazi, and now rising Tea Party star Kim Simac has accused the entire American public school system of similarity to the Third Reich.

The Nazis under Hitler annexed Czechoslovakia, invaded Poland, signed a peace treaty with the Soviet Union and then abrogated it by invading that country, enforced a reign of terror over conquered nations such as Norway, Denmark, Belgium, and the Netherlands, put an estimated twelve million people to death in concentration camps, many by the use of poison gases, initiated the deliberate bombing of civilians in WWII and defeated France. These are just Nazi perfidities I can recall off the top of my head. Thousands more remain unremembered by me but certainly not by history.

Despite candidate Simac's apprehensions, it is tough to think of any public school district in this country, no matter how big and well-funded, matching that record, except for maybe defeating France. Even if we gave them a geographical pass and let them invade Canada instead of Poland, it's doubtful any public school could equal Nazi accomplishments in the fields of slaughter and sadism, especially since the Nazis didn't take summers off.

Public school teachers in general don't seem to be imbued with the spirit of the Third Reich. They want to educate kids, thereby safeguarding the nation's future, and be paid at least as much as a car salesman or a journeyman electrician for doing it. That's hardly the blitzkrieg spirit and asking these souls to roll over a defenseless countryside and round up innocents for death camps would really be pushing at the boundaries of their skill sets.

So Simac may be guilty of a stretch here, but that's no reason tolerate libel by the arrogant liberals who have opined that any Nazi lucky enough to be reincarnated as a human being instead of an intestinal fluke would feel quite comfortable in the Tea Party. The difference between the Nazi and Tea Parties are numerous. As an impartial critic, I have undertaken to explain them below.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Tea Party, its membership is composed nearly entirely of right-wing white Christians who believe that they are naturally ordained to lead the nation by virtue of their being superior to other Americans.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Nazis, they were right-wing white Christians, who believed that they were naturally ordained to lead the world by virtue of their being superior to other human beings.

Reading the above, it's apparent I haven't made the difference between the two organizations starkly clear. Let me explain it in terms of historical outlook. The Tea Party wants to return America to an earlier epoch, in which an America ruled fully by Caucasians of one religious persuasion dominated North America. The Nazis wanted to return Germany to the days of the Holy Roman Empire, an era when Germans of a singular faith dominated Europe.

If that distinction is still too fine for you, let me elucidate further. The Nazis, although their views were espoused by a minority of Germans, came to power because they succeeded in painting their opponents as unpatriotic weaklings, but eventually they proved themselves willing to destroy Germany rather than abandon their radical beliefs. The Tea Party, although supported by a minority of Americans, looks down its nose at other Americans for being unpatriotic, but they have already proven themselves willing to destroy America's economy rather than abandon their radical agenda.

Still not getting it? Don't be obtuse. The Germans put the Nazis in power because they were persuaded that their national values were being desecrated by a non-German minority, the Jews. The Tea Party wins elections by claiming that our nation is being overrun by a non-American minority, the Mexicans. Not understanding this is like saying you don't know the difference between Jews and Mexicans. That would expose you as an ignoramus. Really, one of the few things Jews and Mexicans have in common is that they're both welcome to stay out of the Tea Party.

The Nazis were known for their mass rallies and slogan chanting. The Tea Party loves mass rallies and slogan chanting, but they also have Fox News.

The Tea Party hates the United Nations. It's because of the Nazis that we have the United Nations.

Most importantly, when the Nazis called somebody a Nazi, they regarded it as a compliment, but when the Tea Party calls somebody a Nazi, they mean it as an insult.

Clear enough?

1 Comment