With the news that a Canadian man cured himself of a painful, potentially fatal gastrointestinal bacterial infection by a self-administered fecal transplant this past week, fecal transplants are once again in the headlines.
The procedure, in which donor feces are ingested through an enema or nasal tube by the patient, has a 90% cure rate in the treatment of dangerous c. difficile infections.
Immediately American medical scientists pointed to Rush Limbaugh as a nearly unlimited reservoir of transplantable matter. The Canadian specialist whose patient performed the procedure on himself, Dr. Baroudi Fashir, was questioned about the medical usefulness of Limbaugh's personal output. Dr. Fashir, being Canadian, was not at first familiar with the talk radio host, but after being acquainted with several Limbaugh statements, such as any woman who uses birth control should be considered a slut, and that Mexicans who enter the United States looking for work are unwilling to work, Dr. Fashir grew quite excited.
"This man is obviously full of life-saving feces," he said. When told that Limbaugh also has said that people who exercise regularly are the ones putting the most strain on the US healthcare system, Dr. Fashir was gape-mouthed with awe. "This American Limbaugh could be some kind of universal donor!" He added jealously, "We Canadians do not have access to such vast bloated bags of human waste, otherwise we could wipe out C.D. infections in our lifetimes! I blame our socialist medical system."
When told that Limbaugh would no doubt agree with him, Dr. Fashir nodded happily. "It just keeps oozing out of him, doesn't it? Access to Limbaugh means a constant supply of therapeutic ordure. There's no need to maintain transplant lists and no possibility of losing patients before a suitable donor can be found."
When told that Limbaugh's crap is already consumed by millions of Americans without ill effect, however, Dr. Fashir looked doubtful. "I don't recommend anyone try Limbaugh without a doctor in attendance. Absent medical supervision, the fecal transplant procedure is not without its risks," he said. "The nasal tube can rupture, causing the transplant to fill the brain cavity instead of the intestines. Then you end up with a bunch of shitheads."