Science poobah Neil deGrasse Tyson has said he is open to the idea that our entire universe is a simulation, which means that all human wrangling, not to mention every star and bit of stardust out there, is only as real as the video games you can download for your cell phone.
A lot of people are uncomfortable with this idea, but it is the job of science to seek after truth, and tell it to us even if it makes us uncomfortable. We civilians cannot direct the path of scientific inquiry. I personally would like scientists to discover that drinking beer makes you immortal, but all the scientists I have implored to research the brew=live forever theory have ignored my suggestions, even though I always volunteer to participate in any field trials they may come up with.
The idea that that all our thoughts, dreams, desires, loved ones, homes and gift cards are merely programs on some uber-computer outside of our universe can be unnerving (or liberating if you, as I strive to, consider apathy to be a virtue) but it explains one thing for sure—why God is such a dick.
Because God is playing this video game, and if He is like the average video game player in this simulated existence, He is an awkward teenage boy, bulging with insecurities and unfulfilled sexual desires. He is playing Earth while being nagged to do His homework by His mom and being lightly bullied on uber-Facebook by his frenemies.
The simulation theory explains why He doesn’t listen to our prayers, because teenage boys don’t listen to anyone but other teenage boys. It also explains why He has a predilection for appearing to virgins, because more sexually experienced females make Him nervous.
Shaking us with earthquakes and blowing our homes into matchsticks doesn’t matter to Him, because He knows we’re not real. If He’s playing online with other teenage boy-Gods, they type comments to each other as conflagration after conflagration wipes out goodly portions of humanity. When Hiroshima went up, the conversation probably went something like this:
Did you see that mushroom cloud, bitches?
That was soooo badass, dude.
That’s why America is my chosen nation, bro. They really know how to kick tail.
If the universe as a simulation theory is correct, we’ve been going all wrong in our approach to God throughout the entire history of religion. Addressing Him as the Almighty and All-Powerful just strikes Him as sarcasm—He knows it's not true. He knows He's not getting His learner’s permit unless He gets at least a C in algebra, and He's raging at all the girls in the high school class above Him that pretend He doesn’t exist.
It would be better to pray to Him with advice that will help Him get through those troubled teenage years, advice like “It gets better, God” and “If you’ve been watching porn, oh Lord, don’t forget to erase your browser history.”
And forget praying for world peace. Chances are, it’s just not written into the program.
There's a button up there for that.
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