One of the most worthless politicians ever to crawl onto dry land from the swamps of Florida re-surfaced in the headlines last weekend by insisting that women who contract the Zika virus and are found to be carrying microcephalic fetuses should not be permitted to have abortions.
Marco “Little Marco” Rubio, last seen getting roundly whomped for the Presidency by a man who can only find Florida on a map because he has a golf course there, is running for his old job as a Senator from the Sunshine State. This was upon discovering that the Republican Party would rather nominate an incoherent billionaire with a hooker wife than a stuttering bonehead whose most obvious qualification for the job was that he looked good in a suit.
All right, that wasn’t much of a choice. But Rubio’s best shot at defeating Trump boiled down to implying that The Penis on The Donald was on The Small Side, which got him laughed off the stage, either because America doesn’t care about the Leader of the Free World’s wiener dimensions, or because any of The Donald’s three wives, or the thousand women he’s bedded on the side by waving his wallet at them, or anybody who’s glanced over when he was whizzing next to them in one of his gold-plated urinals, could tell him otherwise.
All Marco, or anybody else who shared that stage with Trump and was subsequently flushed down the electoral drain by him, needed to do to defeat the current nominee was to have, at some point during the debates, put on an expression of sincere bewilderment and say “Dude, why is your face that color?” Trump would have tried to blame his unnatural skin tone on Obama, of course, but even FOX might have a tough time accepting that explanation and The Donald would be back home shortchanging some subcontractors today, instead of insulting dead heroes, encouraging assassinations and engaging in pissing contests with most other Republicans.
Marco was going to retire from politics and do something more useful with his life, like run a sandwich shop or repave driveways, but his friends in the Republican Party begged him to run again for his old Senate seat. Why they thought this was a good idea no one knows, since Trump’s hands had proved big enough to bitch-slap Little Marco senseless in the Florida GOP primary, and another statewide election a few months later might prove challenging to him, but they must have been right, because he’s leading in the polls. Apparently Florida Republicans feel they need a mature swindler in the White House, but a handsome fraud with an IQ the same as the mean July night time temperature in Miami* will serve them well in the Senate.
All this means that people still pay attention when Rubio speaks, which actually is a bigger waste of time than Pokémon Go, and when Rubio said that women shouldn’t be allowed to abort their Zika-infected fetuses, there are two possible ways that could be interpreted.
Number one, and the more popular one, is that Rubio thinks God wants you to have a defective child, whom you will have to care for your entire life while you live on welfare or work at Walmart and survive together in a sweaty Florida apartment while Marco Rubio and his friends live carefree, air-conditioned lives off donor money in monstrous houses or beach condos. That is the will of the Almighty, which Marco knows better than you, and he is helping you obey it because otherwise you will go to Hell.
Number two, the unspoken one, is that you need to be punished for having sex. Marco was already on record as needing to punish you for having incestuous sex, or raped sex, by forcing you to have an unwanted child. Now he wants you to be punished for having sex without wearing mosquito repellant. That same future of caring for a tiny-brained offspring in an apartment you share with several roommates who possibly have severe substance-abuse issues for the rest of your life is what you deserve for succumbing to your sex drive. Meanwhile, Rubio can have all the sex he wants, and if somehow his sperm meets an egg, he can afford any number of kids, since he’s an ex-Senator. That means there are all kinds of people who will pay him just to sit around in their offices and look handsome.
And if he does win his Senate seat back, and then his wife has a Zika baby, it's no big deal for Rubio--politicians love to have stricken kids. Whether you're signing up a kid diagnosed with a terminal illness for a lifetime NRA membership or just dressing them up in flag clothing to stand on stage at your speeches, defective kids mean more votes.
Fortunately, no matter how much Little Marco spouts off about it, abortion remains legal, an important consideration while Zika-laden winds are blowing in from the Everglades. And it will stay that way, even if you, the citizens of Florida, elect him again.
But I say don’t.
I think it would be against the will of God.