The Supreme Being, whose last documented visit to the head of an organized religion was 3300 years ago when He took the form of a burning bush and laid down a series of memos to Moses, apparently found it necessary to personally discharge the Vicar of Christ on Earth by appearing to him in what Benedict described as a "mystical experience," and telling him he had until five o'clock to vacate his office.
"Benedict couldn't believe it himself," said Monsignor Guy l'Dissembleur, this reporter's source in the Vatican. "He kept saying 'Are You sure you didn't mean to appear to Pat Robertson, My Lord?"
It would be an easy mistake to make. I mean, didn't Pat see a 900 foot Jesus once?
"Jesus in whatever dimensions usually appears to the Protestants. Mary handles revelations to the Hispanics, and the angels split up the Muslims and the Mormons between them. And besides, you're thinking of Oral Roberts. Benedict should have known that. God replied, "You better focus on who's really infallible here," and handed him the pink slip.
Wow. I didn't realize it was all so corporate.
"Right down to the archangels watching Benedict as he boxed his personal stuff to make sure he didn't erase anything on his hard drive. Can't run the Universe without an organizational chart, baby. Benedict was just letting the Church drift. We were losing market share to these Jesus-come-lately religions. And Francis was known as a bold, forward-thinking guy. How long could we keep him in middle management?"
He does seem to be a different kind of Pope, what with letting atheists and gay people into Heaven.
"Yeah, well, he might have been a little too forward thinking there. I mean, it's one thing to correct the company course a little, and it's another to completely trash a corporate culture. Turns out that while atheists are going to heaven, they're definitely going to have their own section there. It's going to be like one of those smoker's tanks you see at some airports, with glass walls around it and a separate ventilation system. And if the rest of the Heavenly elect want to march around it with picket signs saying 'How Does It Feel to be Dead--WRONG, That Is,' and 'Try Ceasing to be A Point of Consciousness Now, Dumbass,' I don't know of any angels that are going to try and stop them."
So, kind of an eternal atheist barrio, huh? What about the gays?
"Francis just said he wasn't going to judge them. Frankly, there's no need to—the fundamentalists have that covered. If there does get to be a gay heaven, I'm sure it will be similar to the atheist one--cordoned off. More stylish and better decorated, of course and we may let them out for a parade once in awhile."
What about the gay-bashers? Are they going to Heaven, too?
"Sure. There's already a crap-ton of them there. It's not Heaven if you can get kicked out. They can even bring their "God Hates Fags" banners along, although if they asked God whether He actually does, He might answer kind of vaguely, like "Not particularly," or "Only certain ones."
Sounds like Heaven is getting to be a bit like life on Earth.
"Oh, no doubt. We're going to miss the days when only Catholics got to go. My prediction."