But I don’t, so I can tell you what I did find out about the Games. The first thing was being surprised that they were held in the first place, since the various news sources I regularly checked on the Internet assured me that Rio was a diseased swamp whose waters were crammed full of untreated sewage, floating garbage and unidentified corpses. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a place full of nice, new, clean Olympic-sized buildings.
I also learned that some members of the American team were capable of making the simple, pleasurable act of whizzing against a dark service station wall into an international incident, complete with arrests and sponsorship losses, which reinforces a lesson so many men learn too late and that is, if you want to have a smooth path through life, there is only one time to take your penis out of your pants, and that time is never.
Also, Mark Phelps has more gold medals than the flour aisle at the supermarket.
Apart from that, I noticed that the world has way too many countries in it, and the Olympics have way too many events. The Summer Games claim to have competitions in only twenty-eight sports, but that is horse poo of the highest order, as “swimming” is listed as only one sport, and everybody knows that there are at least eighty or ninety different swimming events for both men and women, including a couple different competitions in the butterfly stroke, which no one actually uses if they are really trying to swim someplace. It’s true. If you are watching a ship sink, and people are madly swimming for their lives, no one is using the butterfly stroke. Check for yourself if you don’t believe me.
So why do we need more Olympic sports? Because they’re there, and people want to be able to sit in front of their TV’s and chant “USA! USA!” as the American Olympic Forces whomp the crap out of Tonga.
Here’s my list of the Top Ten New Olympic sports, selected for the same reason all the current ones have been selected—people do them, and some people do them way better than other people. I have also thoughtfully predicted the region of the world likely to dominate each sport.
Parallel parking: No cracks here about not having a women’s team. Although it may be easier to make than the men’s team. Predicted champions—people who do their Christmas shopping in Manhattan.
Chaw spitting: The truly gifted in this field are always missing a few teeth. Kentucky in a good position to dominate.
Air hockey: They already play the ice and field versions, so why not? Predicted champions—anybody with the initiative to take the six feet of stacked boxes off that table they have in the garage.
Synchronized scratching: If done well, graceful and balletic. Predicted champion—one word—Zika!
Bumper cars: The sparking! The charging! The whiplash! The perfect competition to switch over if you feel death by boredom approaching while you’re watching sailing. Predicted champion—some kid from Ohio whose neglectful parents let him spend way too much time in cheap carnivals.
Thumb wrestling: Yeah, it’s stupid, so it’s bound to be dominated eventually by Asian countries, just like ping-pong.
Bar fighting: There are no rules. Let’s face it, Australia needs a sport it can excel in.
Anything with cats in it: We need more cat videos. Winners—cats, but they won’t care.
Beer can relay race: The same as the regular relay race, except with brews instead of batons. This would not necessarily be a better, neater or faster kind of relay race, but the sponsorship opportunities would be huge. Predicted champions—people who are willing to hand their beers to other people, so nobody I drink with.
Twister: The only Olympic sport with men’s, women’s and coed teams. Winners—every swinger couple you know.
There you go. I could think of more, but then I would be even more resentful if none of my suggestions were taken seriously. The only for-sure new Olympic sport in 2020 will be Pokémon Go. You can take that to the bank.