"We're going to quit being the party of stupid," he said. "You've heard that by now."
Yeah, Joe, but I haven't seen much evidence of it.
"Don't be part of the cynical mainstream media. No doubt you've seen that in Kansas, Republicans have proposed a bill to de-fluoridate the water while the Legislature is in session, so fluoride won't lower the legislators' IQ's."
Joe, it's Kansas. Can you say 'too little too late?'
"Well, it shows we're thinking about cutting down on stupid, right?"
I guess. It's going to be quite a sea change. Are you sure the Party is up to it?
"No doubt in my mind," he crowed. "You see how we're going to wow Hispanic voters, right? It was tough to find two white guys with Spanish surnames, but now we've got them. Rubio and Cruz! With them in the front row of the Presidential sweepstakes, all those Juans and Juanitas will be aching to vote Republican. And we're working out the details on our new immigration plan, which is going to be generous beyond precedent to illegal immigrants!"
How's that, Joe?
"The children of illegal immigrants who are born in the US are going to get a pathway to citizenship! All they have to do is pay a fine because their parents broke the law and learn to speak English!"
Joe, you know that's considerably worse than they have it now.
"You say that, but that's all the Tea Party will let us have. At least Hispanics will know that Republicans are looking out for them."
That's your problem, Joe. How are you going to quit being the party of stupid without losing the stupid vote?"
"Easy! Remember the War on Women? Just last week, a Republican legislator in North Carolina introduced legislation that would ban women from showing their nipples in public. So now it's just a war on parts of women."
I saw that, Joe. North Carolina would put women who bared their chests in public in jail for six months. If the exposure was accidental, it would only be thirty days. I don't see why women would regard that as letting them off easy.
"Why, sure! If there was a Super Bowl in North Carolina, and Janet Jackson had another wardrobe malfunction, we wouldn't want to have to put her away for more than a month. But these Girls Gone Wild types, they'd have to do some substantial time."
And you think women would be in favor of that?
"Yup. There's plenty of women that don't want other women flashing their funbags in public. This way we get their votes, and also the votes we got last election from the people who think women parts ought to be closely regulated. I smell majority!"
You know, Joe, you might actually have something there.
"I told you, dude, the GOP is braining up!"