The state would have spent a lot more money if it had actually drug-tested all of the applicants. Instead, they tested only 466, based on a "questionnaire" they gave applicants, which was supposed to indicate drug use. 12 out of 466 is still not a great percentage, but I learned two things from reading the article. One, people who live in Utah are called Utahns, not Utahbeings, as I usually label them. Two, the questions on the quiz most have been much too obvious. You can't compose a drug test if you're a Mormon who thinks Coca-Cola is a dangerous substance, obviously. Here are some sample questions from the Utah welfare drug test, a copy of which this journalist obtained in exchange for a bud of Siskiyou Tsunami. If you are tempted to give any of the answers MARKED IN RED, do not apply for welfare in Utah, because you be urinating in a paper cup in no time. Go get your food stamps in some other state, you entitlement-whore.
1. Did you have to read "David Copperfield" in high school, and if so, how long did it take you to finish it?
(a) I never read it. Getting a "C" in English seemed far preferable
(b) I read the Cliff Notes.
(c) Six weeks, dude. And I just read the first page. But it was awesome.
2. Which of the following items can you smoke?
(a) Pork butt
(b) Marlboro Lights
(c) My neighbor's bullshit Camaro
(d) Bubba Kush
(e) All of the above
3. If you feel for a snack of ice cream at midnight, how much do you usually have?
(a) A cone
(b) A bowl
(c) A gallon
4. What's the longest you have ever continuously stayed awake in the past year?
(a) A day
(b) Two days
(c) Two hours
(d) Two weeks
5. Which of the following is a slang term for a designer drug?
(a) Face plant
(b) Cattle pen
(c) Bath salts
(d) Mulch pile
(e) Designers should be able to work without taking drugs.
6. Do you smoke medical marijuana?
7. Which of these political activists would you describe as a role model?
(a) Abraham Lincoln
(b) Vlad the Impaler
(c) Martin Luther King
(d) Marion Barry
7. "Mushrooms" are a kind of:
(d) All of the above
8. Your garden is surrounded by:
(b) A ditch
(c) Irrigation pipes
(d) Booby traps
9. You are given a "Freedom Isn't Free" bumper sticker at a Tea Party rally. You put it on:
(a) Your car
(b) Your gun rack
(c) The cash register at the only bar in town that will let you run a tab, in exchange for a free Coors Light draft
(d) The trap-door entrance to your meth lab
10. Which of these substance-abusing artists deserved to die of an overdose the most?
(a) Heath Ledger
(b) Jim Morrison
(c) Amy Winehouse
(d) Michael Jackson
(e) All of them deserved to die equally.
11. Crack cocaine is sold by the:
(d) Black people
Which of these movies can you quote more than two lines from?
(a) Monty Python's "Life of Brian."
(c) "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"
(d) "Up in Smoke"
(e) All of them, dude. Let's fire one up and turn on the DVD player.
(f) I never heard of any of those movies.