“They were warned,” said a White House source, on condition of anonymity. “When the President suggests that players who kneel during the national anthem be immediately fired and replaced by shittier football players, or he invites a championship team to the White House and they say sorry, we have a dentist appointment that day, he doesn’t expect any pushback. Like Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, a man we should all respect for marrying a spoiled blonde tart thirty years younger than him in spite of his unpronounceable name and his having the facial features of a cane toad, said, “Let them exercise their free speech on their own time.”
What does the Secretary of the Treasury have to do with football?
“He renews the NFL’s license to print money every year, for one thing. Take that away, and the whole football structure crumbles. But we’re not going to start with major sanctions like that right away, because that would hurt the NFL owners, many of whom have golfed with the President. We’re going to start with the big troublemakers, the players. Their ability to get free shoes may be severely curtailed. And when they retire, they may no longer be allowed to do wooden, unwatchable TV commercials for local car dealers and pizza restaurants.”
That’s pretty stern.
“We serious here. If these malcontents want to get down on their knees while the Star-Spangled Banner is played, let them do it at home.”
But nobody would notice them there, or think anything of it. People get on their knees all the time at home. I mean, if you need to paint the baseboard, or retrieve a sex toy that’s rolled under the bed, down you go. Nobody would even know they were protesting.
“That is their problem. Football players get paid very well for a few years. Most of them get two or three free knee surgeries, too. They need to be more grateful for what America gives them, and stand tall for the national anthem.”
So what about the Golden State Warriors having their White House invitation withdrawn?
“A harbinger of future policy. You see a bunch of tattooed dark people around the White House today? Hell, no. Well, guess what we get when we have one of those basketball teams in? It makes Jared and Ivanka nervous, thinking that people like that possibly make enough money to move into one of their buildings. We might as well ban visits by future football champions while we’re thinking about them, too. As the President noted, a lot of them aren't really enthusiastic about getting gruesomely injured to entertain us anyway. Screw them. World Series winners will still be allowed to come to the White House, but any players with notable Hispanic accents will be forbidden to speak to the President.”
What about hockey teams?
“Hockey teams are, for the most part, reliably white. I don’t see a problem.”
How about them not being reliably American? Most of them are European or Canadian.
“The President has many Caucasian friends who are not American. Ask Mueller if you don’t believe me.”