“It just makes sense,” the anonymous source told this reporter. “Putin’s had his issues with the international order, what with invading Georgia and the Ukraine, annexing Crimea, and sprinkling radioactive Splenda on his political enemies abroad, but the President recognizes that’s he’s basically a good guy. He’s strong on international borders, although he likes for them to change from time to time for entertainment purposes. Unlike our country, which is swarmed by so many brown people every day that we have to keep them caged, Russia only admits international real estate tycoons as immigrants. Russia is also not plagued by fake news, because they export all the fake news that they produce.
“Putin hates NATO nearly as much as the President. Trump just hates paying for it, but Putin hates it because we allowed so many ex-Soviet satellites to join it. These formerly slave nations gnaw on Russian pride like so many pubic lice infesting its boxer shorts, fecklessly giving the finger to their previous rulers because they’ve hooked up with Angela Merkel. Putin agrees with the President that hooking up with Merkel is nothing to be proud of.
“A pardon just makes sense. A slap on the back and a simple, “Cool beans, Vladimir,” would go a long way towards relieving international tensions. The United States could devote more of its military budget to building flashy, cool shit that looks good in military parades and Putin could go ahead and kill everyone in Syria. Which would go a long way towards solving Europe’s refugee problems. You’re welcome, Angela, you old foreign bag lady. And you too, Macron. Even though you were already married to an older woman, which our President finds nearly as incomprehensible as your language, and you weren’t even getting studly with Stormy Daniels on the side, the United States will stand with France. Maybe. We'll see.
“So, in strictest confidence, I’ll tell you it’s just about a done deal. President Trump will bestow a formal, free, past and future pardon to Putin for everything he’s done, including humping our legs on Facebook during our elections and putting Pussy Riot in prison. All Putin has to do is bring the pee tapes and swear that his briefcase contains every single copy.
“That’s the Art of the Deal, my friend. After Putin gets everything he wants, and we get his solemn assurance that he’s going to be bigly nice from now on, Americans will maybe finally realize that we’ve never had a President quite like Trump.”