Loving your country is like loving God, only even harder to quantify. After all, you can just tell God you love him in prayer. Even though it is unlikely He will actually reply, unless you've gone off your meds, you're on the record. You can't tell America you love it by murmuring "I love you, United States," before you go to bed at night, though. You have to say it out loud, in front of someone else. Then you have to hope they don't ask you "Why do you love America?"
Then you have to answer. You can just hum a snatch of a patriotic song, or mumble something about the Bill of Rights. Those are good replies. You can go down the tricky road of honesty if you like, and say "I love America because I've made a crap-ton of money selling junk bonds on Wall Street," or "I love America because female mud-wrestling is legal here."
It's no wonder Obama avoids the question. It doesn't matter whether he goes to sleep every night with a fuzzy Uncle Sam doll tucked warmly into his BVD's or he sits moodily behind his desk all day thinking "I wish I'd never gotten myself elected President of this sh*t-hole," the inquiry itself is a conversation-stopper.
But he's the President, and if he doesn't love this land from sea to shining sea, why should the rest of us bother? I put a phone call into Rudy Giuliani, who immediately claimed that the whole controversy had been misconstrued.
"It's not that Obama doesn't love America," the Mayor said. "It's that he loves too many other countries, too."
Really? Like, what countries?
"Guinea-Bissau, for one. The President has a thing for countries with hyphenated names. You try it. Just say 'I love you, Guinea-Bissau,' a couple times in a row, and you'll feel yourself falling for this dusky beauty of a nation state."
I'll give it a shot in my spare time. Are there other countries?
"Sure. Luxembourg. And who can blame him? It's just an adorable little country. The face-licking lapdog of Europe. When Obama wants a country he can just cuddle with, Luxembourg is his happy place."
What about other tiny European countries, like Lichtenstein, Monaco, or Andorra? Does our President love them, too?
"Hell, no. They're dumps. Lichtenstein's a snowdrift, Monaco's a casino and Andorra's a goat-pen. Give the man credit for some taste."
Any others come to mind?
"I don't know if it's love, but he's got the hots for Trinidad and Tobago. The President is a bold guy, and what do you have when you get next to Trinidad and Tobago? Automatic threesome, baby."
Are there countries the President used to love, but no longer has feelings for anymore?
"Sure. France. The President used to love France. The wine, the cheese, the women who only bathe on weekends. But then he picked John Kerry as his Secretary, and Kerry made it clear that if there was anyone who was going to love France in this Administration, it was going to be him. Obama graciously stepped aside and let Kerry have her. I actually admire him for that. It's what I would have done. A lot of people don't know it, but back when I was young Republican schlepper, I coined the phrase 'Bros before ho's.' It's just that by loving all these other countries on the q-t, Obama is risking a lot."
Like America finding out?
"Or Michelle, pal."