While as of this writing rock legend and big-time gun advocate Ted Nugent had not made any public statements regarding his wife carrying her heater into the security line at DFW airport, I knew it had to be eating away at him. When I finally caught up to him, he was ready to vent.
Ted, I've been trying to reach you for days. Where have you been?
"Outside murdering stuff. It's the only way I can cope with my wife getting arrested."
She's only facing a $2000 fine, Ted. It could have been a lot worse.
"It could have been a lot better. I blame Obama and his faux socialist, faux fascist imperial Presidency. It's like the guy thinks he's the boss of us all."
A lot of Presidents have given off that vibe, Ted. You, on the other hand, give off the vibe of someone who doesn't really know what 'faux' means, let alone 'fascist' or 'socialist.' I don't understand how you can blame Obama for your wife's arrest. It's been illegal to carry guns on airplanes since at least the '70's.
"Are you kidding? Remember when I said that if Obama was re-elected, I'd be dead or in jail in six months. Well, it turns out I was misquoted. I really meant my wife would be in jail. How can I not blame Obama?"
Maybe if you kept fewer guns around the house, Ted, you and your wife could keep better track of them, so she wouldn't grab a purse with a handgun in it when she was running off to the airport.
"That's typical libtard thinking. A gun is just a tool. It doesn't conceal itself. My wife isn't wrong for having too many guns. Her problem is she has too many purses. But no one talks about how irresponsible purse manufacturers are, for not making a separate line of purses marked 'Airport.' That way America's chicks would know not to put their guns in 'em."
So it's the handbag manufacturers of America that are to blame for your wife's incarceration?
"Them and Obama. If it wasn't for his jackbooted governing style, white, non-Muslim people would be able to carry their guns anywhere they wanted. You can trust white people with guns. Sometimes you can even trust half-white people with guns, but that's iffy. You can trust George Zimmerman, for example, but not Obama. But white people are cool when they strap heat. That's what history tells us."
Umm, Ted, history tells us the Nazis were white people.
"Well, American history, then. That's the only history that matters, anyway. When white people have guns, they create a vast, free nation out of virgin wilderness. Whereas history tells us that when you give Indians or Mexicans guns, all they do is shoot back. And when black people have guns, all you get is black on black crime."
I've been wondering about the black-on-black crime thing, Ted, especially since your buddies at FOX News has been sobbing about it since the Zimmerman trial. Some of us suspect that's a mite hypocritical, that FOX and its viewers don't really care if blacks shoot each other. In fact, we think they might be slightly in favor of it.
"That's BS, dude. The way we feel about black-on-black crime is the same way we feel about the n-expression. As my man Rush says, if they can use that word to each other, why can't we use that word? And if they want to shoot each other, why can't we shoot..."
Ted, you don't want to say that.
"You're right, dude. Nobody in my family would ever make it through airport security again. Haw!"