“These kids getting killed represent a serious threat to the rights of law-abiding gun owners everywhere,” said LaPierre. “It’s outrageous that the real culprits in these events, the victims, totally escape blame. We’re holding candlelight vigils for people who are destroying the American way of life.”
When asked how the NRA could justify this mind-bending exercise in victim-shaming, Wayne was quick to reply, “Haven’t these kids ever seen any movies? Do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ever take a bullet, even though they’ve had more rounds shot at them than the Germans did on D-Day? Avoiding automatic weapons fire is simple. Just dodge, weave and occasionally hide behind a kitchen counter or a large refrigerator. Any table flipped on its side will block incoming fire. Do these kids know that? Apparently not, because they spend too much time on their cell phones. And they’re not watching Chuck Norris movies on their devices either, because then they would know how to elude a whole gang of assassins armed with automatic weapons, turn the tables on them, kill them all, and fist it out successfully with the evil mastermind of the gang one-on-one at the end. A scrawny teenager with one AR-15 would not be the slightest inconvenience for Chuck Norris, because he does not compose text messages while he’s being shot at.”
Asked whether he would concede to any new gun regulations, LaPierre bristled. “No! the problem is not guns. The problem is that there are too few kitchen counters and large refrigerators in our schools. Put a few of them in the hallways, and school becomes a much safer place. And drop those sex-ed slide shows and show Rambo movies instead. American students need to become more battle-hardened, before they threaten what really keeps Americans safe, which is our personal arsenals.”
LaPierre, when questioned whether insisting that schoolchildren learning to emulate action movie heroes when pinned down in a live fire situation wasn’t just a fantasy, replied, “Fantasy is where our membership lives, baby,” before ending the press conference by hiding behind a refrigerator.