There are two important things to note here: First, the EM drive works by breaking the laws of physics. That makes sense, since we all already knew that breaking the laws of traffic enables us to get places faster. The second is that 1.2 millinewtons of thrust is approximately the same force felt by a banana when a fruit fly lands on it, so not really a crap-ton of boost power. Scientists are nonetheless confident that they can beef up the EM drive so that eventually, it can take us to Mars before all the astronaut bananas on board turn black.
Since this is the age of Trump and I called for this, I take full credit for the invention. This column will adopt Trumpian principles in the New Year—whenever I’m right about something, I will unabashedly bask in glory, and when I am wrong, it’s the fault of the media.
The second item in science news for the week was that now you can get Tweets from orbiting pieces of space junk. This program is designed to make you aware of space junk, the dangers of which I poo-pooed here not so long ago, saying that in space, mankind may finally have found a place too big to junk up.
Not so, say space junk alarmists, and to convince you of the truth of their argument, they have arranged for you to be Tweeted at by space junk as it orbits overhead. What the Tweets consist of I don’t know, but probably they are very scientific, something like: Yo, I’m zooming over your noggin at about 17,000 mph again, and I’m going to keep coming back until my orbit decays and I burn up harmlessly in the atmosphere.
That might be over 140 characters, but you get the idea. Kind of boring. If we’re going to communicate with space junk, let’s give it a little more personality. Maybe even a variety of personalities. Here’s a couple of suggestions:
PSYCHOPATHIC: What comes around, goes around, and around, and around. F*ck you all. I can’t wait to smash into some space-walker’s helmet.
SUICIDAL: Just a couple million more orbits, and I can meet my fiery end. But you don’t care now and you won’t care then, and there’s nothing I can do to make you. I feel so helpless.
FRAT BOY: Heading out to the Van Allen Belt for the weekend, bro. That’s where I go to rage.
SEX KITTEN: I’m right on top of you again. I’m orbiting you hard and fast. I know you like it that way.
That’s more like it! If you’re going to be Tweeted at by random outer space crap, let’s make it interesting. Because if you are even considering signing up for this program, there’s one thing that’s certain about you.
You are way too bored already.
A tip of the thank-you cap to reader Mike Roe, aka Mike Rose, for bringing Space Junk Twitter to my attention.