“Doesn’t look like me at all,” Hannity boasted on his radio show. “I know I threaten a lot of people on air—Hillary Clinton with prison, CNN with a lawsuit, Jimmy Kimmel with having hosted The Man Show, Michelle Obama with wearing dresses that showed off her masculine biceps, Black Lives Matter because they don’t. Many of you don’t know I enjoy threatening people in person as well—I’ve been planning to hang around in front of Stoneman Douglas High and threaten that punk ass David Hogg with an atomic wedgie if my girl Laura Ingraham doesn't get her advertisers back—so when I heard someone had threatened Stormy my mind started racing--was that me?
“I consulted right away with David Cohen, who is not my attorney, and he confirmed that he never asked me to threaten Stormy. I didn’t think I came up with the idea on my own, because I don’t have any ideas of my own. Still, I was worried. Like many men, I have no idea what Stormy’s face looks like, although I have a good awareness of what her body looks like, from hours of film study. I mean, she could have been wearing a bulky sweater instead of letting most of her breasts swing loose like she usually does, and I might have failed to recognize her.
“I guess it’s a fair question, why I would threaten a woman and her child if I didn’t recognize them as a threat to the election of Donald Trump, which is the greatest event in American history? His victory wouldn’t have been possible without me, Fox News, James Comey, Wikileaks, and Russia, but mostly me. The answer is, I do threaten women I find attractive occasionally, as an icebreaker. And when you threaten their kids, too, that really gets their attention. I mean, I’m Sean Hannity. I don’t use cheesy pickup lines. I go straight for the gut-punch.
“But I’m relieved that the guy in the sketch doesn’t look like me at all. He looks vaguely Latino to me, and probably would have been deported for that alone, if Obama hadn’t been so weak. So, ultimately, it was Obama’s fault. Surprised? Not if you follow me you’re not.”
Even CNN's Anderson Cooper agreed that the sketch doesn't resemble Hannity. "The suspect's face is finely chiseled. Not as finely chiseled as mine, of course--nobody's is--but it's a far cry from Hannity's fat gob."