Many of us, who thought of the Justice as merely a smug reactionary who enjoys letting you know he is way smarter than you, especially after he's chugged a few bottles of sacramental wine, were surprised to hear Scalia claim Frodohood, but a source high in the Court's chambers said it was no news to him.
"Scalia's always had a fascination with Middle Earth law. It was the decision in Smaug v Rivendell et al that inspired him to study law, to hear him tell it. Without that precedent, Godzilla vs Tokyo and King Kong vs Empire State might have been decided entirely differently."
What was that precedent exactly?
"If you're big, angry and primitive you can whale the crap out of anything you feel like. Just ask the Koch brothers."
Do any of the other justices identify with characters from the Lord of the Rings?
"They don't have to. Scalia does it for them. He addresses Chief Justice Roberts as "Aragorn, son of Arathorn," even though Roberts always reminds him that his father's name was actually Jack. Justice Kennedy is the mercurial wizard Gandalf. Ruth Bader Ginsberg he always calls 'that giant spider thingy that catches people in her web and sucks the life out of them at the end of the second book.' And faithful, brave, but slightly stupid Samwise—that would be Clarence Thomas."
So you're telling me that instead of taking pleasure in being a man of immense fame and importance, who gets limousined anywhere he wants while sipping brandy and listening to Gregorian chant, Scalia would rather imagine himself a diminutive near-human on a sacred mission armed with nothing but a small sword and a magical ring, crawling on his hands and knees over sharp volcanic rock towards sure death?
"That's about the size of it."
And the other Justices let him go on thinking that way?
"Oh hell no. Sonia Sotomayor always pretends she's got a thick Hispanic accent and can't pronounce 'Frodo' right so she can get away with calling him 'Frogo.' And that's Stephen Breyer going "Gollum, gollum," under his breath every time Scalia's questioning someone from the bench. No one knows who carved 'Orc-Whacker' on the handle of his favorite gavel. He denies it, but the short odds are on Scalia himself. Especially since the inscription is in High Elvish."
Sounds pretty juvenile.
"You got that right, bud. Most days it's way more like middle school than Middle Earth."