Bakker is still in the preaching and revelating trade, although he has added survivalist gear sales to his résumé, on the theory, I suppose, that if you’re not quite Christian enough to qualify for the Rapture, you could have to hunker down for a spell while you wait out the end of the world. Between selling ammunition and MRE’s he still has time to do a bit of prophesying, and his latest bombshell from beyond is that Satan is plotting to kill Donald Trump.
My first reaction was Why is Satan chatting with Jim Bakker? I called up his show and asked the prosperity preacher that question.
“Satan does like to stay in touch after you’ve sold your soul to him, making sure you’re keeping up with routine maintenance, like I do," Bakker replied. "Sure, my best years were long ago, when I stole enough money from gullible believers to end up owing the IRS six million large, but I still do my bit, selling bottled water and collapsible shovels to people who don’t seem to realize that the end of the world also includes the end of cable TV. My soul will be in tip-top shape to suffer eternal torment,” Bakker replied cheerfully. “And that’s why Satan’s so browned off at Trump. The guy is constantly trying to renege on his deal with the Dark Lord.”
I’ve heard that. Shouldn’t Satan have realized that a guy who cheated every contractor in Atlantic City was likely to try and welsh out of a deal for his soul?
“You know, the Prince of Evil doesn’t like his decisions criticized. Just a piece of advice if you ever end up Down There. Lucifer just figures he’s going to have to work a little harder to get Trump the eternal filleting he deserves. But you know Trump and the way he bobs and weaves through negotiations. First, he made all of his staff sell their souls to the Devil, too. I mean some, like Bannon and Kellyanne, were already on board, but Sean Spicer was actually going to Heaven before Trump made him sign a deal with Satan. It ain’t the New York Times he’s hiding in the bushes from—it’s Beelzebub. So Trump turned around and claimed he’d brokered enough souls into eternal damnation that he wouldn’t have to bother with it himself.”
But it doesn’t work that way, right?
“You betcha. And offering to throw in Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan just made Satan chuckle. He’s had them in the bag since Ryan was an altar boy. So Trump upped the ante by offering to sell every living American’s soul to Satan, but the big guy really started laughing then. I mean, since the invention of free downloadable porn and Internet gambling, how many Americans are going to stay out of Hell in the long run anyway? The margin on that deal is pitifully small.”
I’m pretty sure selling all the souls in the USA to Old Nick would in some way violate the Constitution, too.
“Don’t worry about that, because Trump sure doesn’t. And if there’s one thing for certain, Hell has got enough lawyers to work through any legal entanglements. But the Wicked One nixed the deal, like I said. He’s gunning for Trump.”
Trump just got finished doing a “sword dance” with a bunch of armed Muslims. If Satan’s so powerful, why didn’t he just cause one of them to stick his sword through Trump’s liver?
“The Prince of Evil has a great sense of humor, believe it or not. He just wanted to watch the Secret Servicemen crap themselves all the way through that sword dance. But the hit’s been put out. Trust me on that.”
How do think it’s going to go down?
“Depends on whether the Old One wants to make a splash or go subtle. Ivanka could finally get completely creeped out at the way he looks at her ass and whap him to death with one of her handbags, or Kim Jong Un could get lucky and figure out how to put one of his bombs on top of one of his missiles, and get a little help from Mr. S so it doesn’t blow up over Singapore. Or it could be just a fatally beautiful piece of cake.”
So, we’re going to have President Pence?”
“Hell, yeah. What do you think Mike sold his soul for?”