"It's been a long two-and-a-half years since we had a President who was a governor of Texas, a global warming and evolution denier, a born-again evangelical Christian, anti-abortion and anti-gay, and we think it's obvious that the American people are crying out for a return to those days. Governor Perry, like our beloved former President George W. Bush, is a fanatical believer in the sanctity of human life who fervently supports the death penalty. He has shown the courage to execute a mentally handicapped man and a guy whose execution imperiled the rights of American citizens abroad. This is in accordance with the Governor's eyes-only memo on the death penalty, titled KILL THEM BEFORE THAT DAMN DNA SH*T EXONERATES THEM."
How would a Perry administration operate?
"We absolutely would be looking to the Dubya years to guide us. A war entered into on the murkiest of evidence, which we would drag out so that we could appeal to the American people not to change course in the middle of the conflict. Cutting taxes so that we have to borrow more money from the Chinese to pay for the war, naturally. Loosening regulation of the markets, so we could have an illusory boom economy based largely on fraud, then a devastating economic collapse. Then blaming the war, the economy and the deficit on the Governor's inevitable Democratic successor, dooming the hapless Dem to be a one-term President. Republicans everywhere have to realize that nominating Governor Perry is the only way to guarantee a return to the glory years of the second Bush Administration."
Obviously, Bush and Perry aren't exactly alike. How would the Perry campaign exploit and/or paper over their differences?
"Well, Governor Perry doesn't have a father who had a reasonably fruitful Presidency whose phone calls he can ignore when he's in the White House, but on the other hand George W. was never bold enough to suggest Texas secede from the Union or clear-sighted enough to call Social Security a disease, so we think it's about a wash. We in the Perry camp are excited about the opportunity to guide America back to the years of the zeroes."
Do you think Governor Perry will get another call, telling him to wait until 2016?
"Absolutely not. That's about as likely as Dick Cheney making an aerobics video."