"Extravagantly breasted strippers and those slippery little vixens that wrestle in mud, oil or Jell-o have nothing to fear from the Republican Party of Kansas anymore," Joe boasted in a late-night phone call to this columnist.
That's nice, Joe, but I don't know if it's enough to make the ladies happy with the Kansas legislature. Isn't Kansas where they have a sales tax on abortions?
"Sure, but that's a simple, revenue enhancing measure that has nothing to do with what we Republicans think about women who try to get abortions instead of paying a lifelong price for having had sex. Besides, let's concentrate on the positives here. Lap dancers can still find gainful employment in Kansas, because lap dancing is still legal."
Is that the Republican plan for restoring the economy? Letting lap dancers find work?
"Wipe that liberal smirk off your face. Any lap dancer in the country would be happy to wake up in Kansas today, knowing that here are no legal hindrances to her grinding her perfect little bottom up against the crisp polyester on the north end of a Republican's inseam for twenty bucks a song. We love that. Do you hear me, liberal media? Republicans love women! Especially when they're doing friction dances!
Or naked dances. The Kansas Legislature let them stay legal, too.
"If women with breasts so perfect and waists so willowy they make men sob with lust are willing to prance naked on the stages of Kansas, the GOP will give them a pass. Yes we will. And we'll also give them all the money in our wallets plus all the cash the strip club ATM will let us withdraw."
And the mud, oil and Jell-o wrestlers? Republicans are calling a truce with them?
"That was Karl Rove's idea. He's a big oil-wrestling fan. Dates back to the Bush Administration. Saturday nights at the White House bowling alley, he'd try to get enough shots of Jagermeister into Condi Rice and Elizabeth Hasselbeck so they'd strip down and catfight. I don't know how many times he actually succeeded, but he used to talk about it plenty."
Sounds like you plan on having fun, Joe.
"Damn right. Who's calling us the party of stupid now?"