“People who were brought illegally here as innocent children, raised as Americans and in some cases, speak only English should be the first of the 11 million illegals here pushed back across the border,” he said serenely. “It sends a message.”
What message is that, Joe?
“We Republicans are getting our mojo back. What with the Obama Administration getting caught siccing the IRS on the Tea Party, possibly lying about Benghazi for maybe a day and a half, and now busted for keeping Bush Administration policies on collecting phone records on Americans in place, we were losing our reputation as the go-to party for heartless jerks in Washington. A bold step had to be taken, and the House Republicans stepped up to the plate."
Of course, like almost everything the House Republicans do, the gesture is purely symbolic. No actual illegals will be deported.
“That's okay. We're betting that secret, malevolent spy programs, which we Republicans usually hail, will come in second place in the hearts of our base to a simple, heartfelt, patriotic hatred for people that often speak Spanish in public and are willing to work outdoors.”
So you're saying you wouldn't deport these young Hispanics if you had the chance?
"Of course we would. Get back to Mexico where you belong, young lawbreakers. While you may have come here as infants, you're old enough now to know you don't belong here.”
Well, I'm in Mexico right now, Joe, that's why I'm Skyping you, and....
“What? You're actually in MEXICO? I hope you're heavily armed with multiple legally purchased American firearms and plenty of ammunition you purchased anonymously off the Internet and have found a spider-hole to hide out in until you can be rescued by Navy Seals. Keep your head down, man!”
Very few Mexicans shoot Americans on sight, Joe, contrary to the impression you might have gotten from reading the news. In fact, as far as I can tell, none of them do. I'm staying at a hotel, having my coffee poured by a waiter and there are no rooms here in the spider-hole category. The only problem I have being in Mexico is that my Spanish is terrible. I know barely enough to get a room at a hotel and order food. Some of these people you want to deport know even less Spanish than I do. They were educated in American schools and raised on American culture. How are they going to survive in Mexico?
“No problem. Let me know the address of that hotel. We'll it to give them before we march 'em across the border.”