"Sheer nonsense," he snapped. "Of course Lincoln would have to go through the Republican primary system just like the other candidates, and we couldn't be certain of the results."
You think Republican primary voters would fail to nominate the man who saved the Union, and is generally regarded as the greatest of Presidents?
"We've already failed to nominate great Americans like Perry, Bachmann and Cain, and are on the verge of failing to nominate Gingrich. These are candidates who toed the GOP line by signing pledges on abortion, global warming and creationism. Lincoln doesn't have any positions at all on any of those topics."
But Lincoln lived before evolution had been thought of, global warming had started or abortion was illegal.
"Why was it legal, then? He was President of the US—why didn't he put an end to it? These are valid questions his opponents are sure to ask. Plus the whole reincarnation thing could work against him--there's no reincarnation in the Bible, so the evangelicals would be a tough bloc for him to sway. And why wasn't he reincarnated before the Iowa caucuses? He could be criticized for being indecisive."
Indecisive? The man who appointed Grant and Sherman?
"Republicans aren't hankering for an splashy late entrant into the race, unless it's somebody with a better pedigree than Lincoln, like Jeb Bush. Sure Lincoln would have taken some primaries—probably Illinois, but he's not going to beat Romney in New England or Santorum in Pennsylvania, except for maybe a slice around Gettysburg. And there's a word for what Lincoln is in the South—it's P-O-I-S-O-N. You ever see a pickup truck with a picture of Lincoln painted on the tailgate?"
I'm sure somewhere there's one.
"Better drive it exclusively north of the Mason-Dixon, then, Bubba. Even in the big states, California and New York, Lincoln might fail to appeal because of his old-school fashion sense, especially against Romney. Teeth to teeth, no comparison. Romney—slick, son of a governor, more money than your average Mega Millions jackpot, Hollywood handsome. Lincoln, born in a log cabin, hippie beard, long-winded—I know he's made a nice speech or two, but where are the sound bites, baby? We've already got one old weirdo in the race, and we all know how Ron Paul's doing. Plus Lincoln wears the same clothes all the time."
Romney wears the same clothes all the time, too…a pair of dad jeans and a white dress shirt.
"That's because he's trying to show he's a man of the people."
Lincoln IS a man of the people. Plus, Romney's the only person in America that wears jeans and a white dress shirt together. How does dressing like the anti-Tim Gunn make him a man of the people instead of a quarter-billionaire with a Cadillac and a gated mansion on both coasts?
"How does wearing a top hat make Lincoln the savior of the republic?"
It doesn't. I was just saying…
"Even you have your doubts. I tell you what would really hurt Lincoln this year."
Having declared war on half the country?
"Not necessarily. We Republicans have declared war on half the voters. No. Two words—WASHINGTON INSIDER! Republicans are sick of what's been going on inside DC for years, and Lincoln can hardly claim to be from outside the Beltway—there's a statue of him downtown. What's he gonna do, throw a tarp over it?"
Seen it. So you agree with Obama, Lincoln wouldn't get the Republican nomination today?
"Agree with Obama? Under no circumstances. We're Republicans. If Obama said the sky was blue, we'd borrow money from China to have it painted a different color. If we Republicans failed to nominate Lincoln, there's always the VP slot. I mean, if we can't get Palin to run again."