Ordinarily this column would not take note of Mr. Kiehne, except perhaps to wish wistfully that his name is pronounced so that it rhymes with “hiney,” but his discovery that insane blood-lust is nearly exclusively linked to membership in the Democratic party promises insight, if not a solution, to America’s epidemic of spree and serial killers.
What evidence Mr. Kiehne has for his claim is being kept by him, but I’m sure it exists, scribbled texts in blood or crayon made by these deranged minds before they went out to commit their dreadful deeds, notes like “Go to mall and kill and kill and kill until the voices in my head command me to stop, but first donate to Nancy Pelosi’s re-election campaign” and checklists like “1. Lock up freezer full of human body parts so that it doesn't spring open accidentally while loading onto U-Haul. 2. Buy fresh bag of lime. 3. Register as Democrat at new address.”
Thanks to Mr. Kiehne, in the future when people talk about the 1%, they will not be talking about the fabulously wealthy-- they will be talking about Republican mass murderers.
We’re grateful to Mr. Kiehne for these insights. While he might not make it to Congress, he has still shown us that no matter how much spell-check hates your name, you can still make a contribution to society.
Speaking of the socially prominent, Pat Sajak, the host of “Wheel of Fortune,” a show watched religiously by the Viagra demographic, tweeted his opinion of believers in global warming, i.e., that they are “unpatriotic racists.”
Most people would agree that Pat, as the only man in America who sells vowels for a living, is qualified to go toe-to-toe with the scientific community and put the kibosh on their annoying theories. The question is why would he go all Cliven Bundy and inject racism into an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with race? It’s easy to explain--it’s because nowadays “racist” is the new "a-hole!” When people cut you off in traffic or dump their garbage over your fence, it is now socially correct, although still logically incoherent, to call them racists if you are bored with conventional epithets.
Republicans are angry with Obama again, this time for declaring the Organ Mountains in New Mexico near the Mexican border a national monument. They think the designation of these mountains as a national treasure is an overreach by the federal government. I don't see this. If you look at a picture of the mountains, you will see that they are pretty steep to consider building condos on, or even drive an ATV over. Republicans are also worried that illegal immigration will be encouraged by the peak's national monument status. Apparently, they believe that illegals are flocking across the border just for the scenery, because there is none in Mexico.
Finally, Florida lawmaker Charles Van Zandt has declared that the Common Core curriculum being promoted by the government in an effort to graduate students who know more than how to stare at their phones all day, even though they will actually probably spend their lives staring at their phones like their parents do now, is actually a plot to make kids gay.
Common Core is mostly controversial because of its math component, which parents think is “stupid.” A similar controversy erupted back in our youth, when something called “New Math” was introduced. It replaced the Old Math, which concerned itself with numbers of the thorniest sort, often crammed together sadistically in a process called “Long Division.” The New Math was much easier—it consisted of thinking about things in “sets” and figuring out whether these sets overlapped or not.
About the same time, the first stirrings of gay self-awareness started manifesting themselves. Could it be that gayness, which was previously sublimated by the agony of long division, began when New Math students started saying to themselves “Hey, I’m in the gay set!”
This guy Van Zandt might be on to something.