Separated at birth? Miss Piggy, Nikita Kruschev
This reporter caught up with a fellow of Gainor's at Media Research and, while he refused to be identified, he agreed to speak about the issue off the record.
Your boss, Dan Gainor, speaking of the Muppet' movie and other movies, said "all these movies attacking the oil industry, none of them reminding people what oil means for most people: fuel to light a hospital, heat your home, fuel an ambulance to get you to the hospital if you need that. And they don't want to tell that story."
"It's true. The basic goodness of the oil industry is hardly ever a subject for Hollywood cinema."
In fact, however, ambulances pay the same for a gallon of gas as getaway cars and monster trucks, and hospitals are charged the same price for heating oil as evil lairs. How is this basically good?
"First of all, none of us has an evil lair anymore. All you have to do is fill out IRS Form 8829, and it becomes a home office. Secondly, what are you? Some kind of Muppet or Communist yourself?"
Let's talk Muppets. What makes you think these foam creatures with monstrous eyebrows are part of a socialist conspiracy? After all, they are now owned by Disney, long said to be as menacing to the remainder of the entertainment industry as BP is to the Gulf of Mexico.
"We can start with Kermit the Frog."
True, not the strongest of characters and a bit of an instinctive compromiser…
"Buddy, you can come right out and say it. He's the Al Gore of the amphibian world. Next!"
What about Miss Piggy? Nobody until you has accused this strong-willed porcine beauty of leftist tendencies.
"Have you ever noticed the resemblance between Piggy and Nikita Kruschev, the dead Communist tyrant? It's a clear case of separated at birth."
It could be just a coincidence. Even if I grant you those two, what about the rest of the jolly Muppet crew? I don't see them as subversives.
"Open your eyes, man! The Swedish Chef—they could have had a German chef, or a Greek chef, but they have a Swedish chef, because Sweden is a known socialist country! Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band, encouraging free love and drug abuse by being loud and hairy! Fozzie Bear, another leftie comedian in the Al Franken mode. And worst of all, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew!"
What's wrong with Dr. Honeydew?
"A vocal proponent of false global warming theories, that's what! And the way he stifles the opposing views of poor, truth-seeking Beaker, the only right-thinking Muppet!"
But nobody understands Beaker.
"Just like nobody understands the goodness of Big Oil. If we didn't charge every penny we could get for the fuel you need and use your money to help prop up medieval Arab kings while occasionally dumping a tanker load or two of crude onto your coasts, who would? Talk about your unintentionally ironic metaphors! And here's the kicker—ALL MUPPETS ARE LEFT-HANDED!"
That's because the puppeteer has to operate the Muppet's head with his right hand. You can look it up.
"I don't need to read fawning liberal apologists for these animal anarchists when I already know the truth. But you're right about one thing—there's a hidden hand behind all of this."