"A clear example of the Democratic war on hot women," he said. "Lauren Odes is a victim of the Obama economy. Here's a hot woman forced into a job doing data entry because there's not enough work for curvy bar hostesses and buxom cake jumpers. Naturally, she only has clothes that accentuate her tempting assets, so she gets fired by her conservative employers."
I thought Republicans approved of conservatives.
"We do, buddy, but we love hot women, too. The Republican Party is the party of the big tent. A big tent full of white men who love America and hot women who love white men. Convention in Tampa only a few months away, baby! We Republicans are having our convention there because we're reaching out to the hot women of America! Under Obama, do you know what the hot woman employment rate in Florida rose to? Twelve!
"No, twelve total. Traditionally, the hot woman unemployment rate has been zero. Under Obama, it's soared. A typical nineteen-year-old woman with a 36D bust, velvety bronzed skin and a stomach you can bounce a quarter off of can go up to three weeks without winning a wet t-shirt contest in this economy. That's a disgrace. Is she better off than she was four years ago? And what about all the industries that hot women support? People that sell tanning bed memberships and used Corvettes are crying themselves to sleep, pal.
"The saddest thing is that the hot woman unemployment rate would be even higher if so many hot women hadn't just given up looking for jobs. They despair of ever getting work as a professional football cheerleader, sultry lounge singer or a waitress at the Tilted Kilt. All they do is lay on the beach all day or wander the malls, looking at short, tight dresses or lacy underwire bras they can't afford to buy."
Aren't some of them leaving the workforce because they've found gazillionaires to marry? Or divorce?
"The lucky few. What about the others? Standing in front of their lonely mirrors, pulling at their wispy, see-through panties, wishing that some drunken stranger who believes in a strong America and a balanced budget would stick a few dollars in there?"
Wait a minute, Joe. Are you saying that all these Republicans who want to restrict abortions, make women listen to a doctor describe an unborn fetus, who have even suggested every woman has to look at a sonogram of the baby she's carrying before an abortion can be performed, all laws that imply that a woman doesn't really know what she's doing when she wants to terminate a pregnancy, all these guys really care about women?
"We care. And we especially care about hot women, and doubly so for hot women who have been accidentally knocked up by married Republicans. Those kind of women don't need to know the consequences of an abortion. We Republicans already know—no scandal for us, no child support payments, no ultra-expensive divorce. That's why we put a rider in all those bills saying that hot women who have been impregnated up by married white men don't need to do all that transvaginal stuff—just bring in a note from your local Republican party leader and you're good to go straight to Planned Parenthood."
So what you're doing is trying to peel off the hot woman vote from Obama? What do you think his response will be?
"Nothing, unless he wants to get his butt kicked by Michelle."