"It's true," he told me. "Obama didn't have anything to do with the decision to kill bin Laden. I'll tell you what happened. A CIA guy, a Seal Team leader and a helicopter pilot walked into a bar…"
I think I've heard this joke.
He put his elbow in my Adam's apple and his knee into my groin. "I don't joke about national security, " he said menacingly. "Do you want to know the truth?"
You're going to leak some information to me?
"I don't leak information, buddy. I just tell people what really happened."
That struck me as a fine distinction, but he had me at a disadvantage.
"So these guys were just having a few adult beverages when the CIA guy said he happened to know where Osama bin Laden was hanging out. Dick Cheney had told him. Turned out Bush and Cheney had done the hard work of finding bin Laden all along, just like Cheney said. They were going to rub him out themselves, but they got busy with the whole Katrina thing, then they had to crater the economy so that ass McCain would lose big in the next election, then they we're so sick of hearing about hope and change that they said screw it, let the new guy figure out where Osama is, he's so smart. Cheney was looking pretty unhealthy at the time, so the CIA guy makes him a deal. You tell me where Osama is he says, and I'll start screening our secret renditions for a possible heart donor for you.
"Done, says Cheney. So when the CIA guy ran into the Seal Team leader, he tells him he's got a plan. The Seal Team guy says great, I got a bunch of guys need some work. Then the helicopter pilot pipes up and says he's got one of those new Stealth choppers. The Navy lets him take it home every weekend so his titanium-toothed attack dog can get used to flying in it.
"They were in Abbotabad before Sunday night. It was actually the helicopter guy who said 'Hey, maybe we ought to tell the White House about this.' Was probably worried about losing his weekend copter privileges. So they patched them through. Obama was doing his usual weekend thing, working on a case of Schlitz and helping Sasha and Malia finger-paint rainbows on the White House carpet. When we told him what was about to go down, he said, 'Sheesh, do you have to kill him? I know Osama. We met at an International Community Agitator Conference back in my Chicago days. Couldn't you just water-board him a little?'
"When we informed Obama that the water had been turned off in Bin Laden's hideaway because Al Qaeda hadn't paid the bill, Obama said 'Well, can't we at least get a photo-op out of this?' That's how they got that picture. The reason Obama's sitting so low is that everybody else got there first and grabbed the good seats, so they had to drag one of his kid's play chairs in for him. And they had to Photoshop Joe Biden into the picture. He wasn't really there. He was actually piloting the chopper that crashed, and that had nothing to do with the air temperature. You can't tell the VP of the US he can't come along on any secret mission, no matter how many Jell-o shots he's put away since Friday night. It's against the Constitution.
"So that's how it all went down. Those "Dishonorable Disclosure" guys are actually being kind to Obama. He had nothing at all to do with killing bin Laden. It was just a bunch of patriotic American service guys that killed him, and Obama gets all the credit."
He took his forearm off my throat. "Next I run into you, remind me to tell you how it was the Coast Guard that really saved General Motors."