"Obama has finally, definitely, completely screwed up," he said. "It's time for the GOP to rise again."
Have to admit you're right about that, Joe. Obamacare has been a disaster so far, at least public relations-wise.
"And it couldn't have come at a better time. After the government shutdown, the GOP was polling lower than dengue fever and identity theft. And we were staking out a position as the Party of Personal Responsibility That Urges You Not to Have Health Insurance. Now we're the Party That is Pissed Off That You Can't Get Health Insurance Online Like Obama Promised You Could."
That's kind of a mouthful, Joe. And don't you think that admitting Obamacare would be okay if people were just able to get it is pretty much a direct contradiction of your earlier position that it is the worst government program ever proposed?
"People will forget about that once they see a few error messages. I smell Republican votes in the air. We get back in and we repeal Obamacare and replace it with the Republican healthcare reform program."
What exactly is that, Joe? Nobody seems to know, especially the major Republicans who get asked about it all the time.
"Details are still sketchy, but mostly it's going to be about tort reform. As long as ungrateful patients are still entitled to sue surgeons who accidentally sew up their golf cart keys inside of them, American health care will be in an unhappy place. Republicans will fix that."
What about those 40 million plus Americans who still won't have health insurance?
"They can go to the emergency ward. Have you been there lately? Even if all 40 million go at once, the wait times can't get much longer. I don't see a problem."
I don't think you'd see a problem with an asteroid strike today, Joe. I've never seen you so happy.
"You're right, pal. It took nearly six years, but Obama has now officially screwed up, and it's about time. We tried to tell you he was screwing up the economy, but the economy kept improving. We tried to tell you he was weak on terror, but people noticed he kept killing terrorists. We tried to tell you that Benghazi was the worst attack ever on Americans, but people insisted on remembering 9-11. Now that he has unquestionably screwed up health care, we feel the American people will want us back in power so we can screw up everything else again. We've had eight long years to plan. We start two more wars in Muslim countries to satisfy the McCain wing of the party. Syria and Iran, baby! We loosen regulation on Wall Street so a new generation of thieves can figure out a new way to make everyone's IRA evaporate! And tax cuts! Are we going to have tax cuts? You bet we are!
Followed by sound fiscal reforms, like getting Social Security under control, right?
"Are you kidding? We just talk that talk, baby. As soon as we're back, we're not cutting a dime from Social Security. Those old folks are natural Republicans. The deficit is something we're only desperately worried about when we're not in charge, if you haven't noticed. All that pious talk about the monstrous debt we're leaving our grandchildren evaporates as soon as we get our hands on the budget. Let those unborn kids open their wallets, baby! They owe us for keeping them from getting aborted is what we figure."
Wow, Joe. And we're getting all that because a website doesn't work?
"It's like a Christmas present for the GOP, dude. Joy to the world!"