This note, from that far-off Asian land, should serve to remind us how lucky we Americans are not to need to conspire to gain weight. The tools for getting massively fat are all around us—monstrous cheeseburgers, pizza slices that can barely fit on an end table, deep-fried cheddar and bacon-filled donut holes, all washed down with milkshakes or sugary Big Gulps. You don’t need to form a secret conclave of friends in order to lard up. In fact, joining a support group to pack on the pounds might be a hindrance to growing that treasured jelly belly—they might steal some of your fries.
Americans know how to gain weight. South Koreans should stick to what they do best, which is making TVs. The link above reveals that the conspiracy exchanged notes on drinking protein powders and “a thick aloe beverage” in order to show up for their draft exam wearing their too-fat-to-serve pants. How pitiful is that? The only use Americans have for protein powders is to combine them with steroids in order to win bodybuilding contests, and aloe is for sunburns.
South Koreans are naturally thin, though not as thin as North Koreans, who are at an even farther remove from Little Debbie, Papa John and Colonel Sanders, all of whom help to keep the demand for XXXXL Hawaiian shirts strong here in America. Choking down protein powders is hardly necessary when you can buy frozen sliders at the 7-11 for fifty cents each.
Another thing Americans used to do well is dodge the draft. We don’t have a draft anymore, just because it was so easy to dodge. The authorities here just shrugged and went to a military force composed solely of people who wanted to join it for various reasons, ranging from a strong desire to commit multiple murders and get away with it, to just wanting to get outside the city limits of their bumfuck home towns, and that’s the way it remains today.
But in the glory days of draft-dodging, Americans excelled at it, and we’re not talking about the wussies who ran north to Canada. We’re talking about men who matured into strong advocates of international and personal violence, while cleverly avoiding exposure to life-threatening danger themselves. Here, in their own words are the stories of three men, who, when offered the chance to walk the paths of military glory, said, “Pass.”
DICK CHENEY: “Have a little lesbian baby As soon as I heard they were going to start drafting married men without children, I threw Lynne’s birth control pills in the compost heap and started raw-dogging her morning, noon and night. Got her preggo and got myself deferred just in the nick of time. I even experienced the thrill of shooting somebody later on in life, so it really worked out for the best.”
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “Two words--pilonidal cyst. Basically, it’s a big, permanent pimple on your ass. You have one of those suckers, you can’t wipe your butt in the jungle. 4-F all the way. Of course, later on I got hugely fat, so I can pass some pointers along on that as well.”
TED NUGENT: “Just do it, baby. And by that, I mean just shit yourself. Are you surprised that you haven’t seen one of those Nike parody memes on Facebook featuring my face, the swoosh, and the words ‘Go poop yourself. Just do it?’ I know I am. Surprised, that is.”
Of course, the most successful draft dodger of them all isn’t mentioned here. He’ll be too busy tearing up the trade agreement that keeps South Korea an ally while you’re getting your not-quite-fat-enough ass blasted by artillery fire to help you in your quest to ditch military service, but you know he’s with you in spirit.
You can bet your bone spurs on it.