There’s a whole slew of Democrats out there who want to regulate assault rifles, but even the dumbest gun-toter is starting to become dimly aware that nobody is coming to search his sofa cushions for concealed weapons. Ammunition is still freely available at the liquor store. If a gun enthusiast wants to strap his AR-15 on when he goes to CVS, then trip over his massive receipt and accidentally shoot himself or the person in front of him in line, it is his God-given American right to do so.
There are other factors, of course. The NRA is depressed because sassy Russian spy Marina Butina is no longer sleeping with it. The Ted Nugent Save the NRA Victory Tour crowds numbered only in the dozens, barely enough for the band to buy gun oil so they could stay on the road.
“Oh, God, this is horrible,” I hear you thinking. “How is Ollie North going to make a living? Will he have to go back to selling weapons to Iran? And what will Wayne LaPierre do when he’s not getting paid to trash kids who are complaining about getting shot at?”
This is where your thoughts and prayers can help. Pray for the NRA. Maybe the Creator of the Universe just hasn’t noticed its plight, Him being busy fine-tuning the galaxies and such. Only you getting down on your knees and imploring Him silently will get him to slap His forehead and say “These quasars look good enough. I’d better get back to Earth and save the only organization that is devoted to making sure every American has a gun to inadvertently discharge at the mall.”
“Couldn’t I just send the NRA money like I used to when Obama was coming after my guns?” Some of you are thinking this, but it isn’t thinking big enough. Buy a lottery ticket, donate it to the NRA, and pray that it’s a winner. One nice Powerball jackpot would keep the NRA going until enough Democrats get elected that they could plausibly scare people into thinking the FBI is going to confiscate their assault shotguns again, and the cheese will start flowing back into the NRA’s coffers.
If you still think you haven’t done enough, and if you live near an NRA office, gather up all of your stuffed animals, candles and half-filled balloons and make a little memorial on its steps, so other people will stop and think about your loss.
That works almost as well.