“It’s easy to think of your average human as merely losing their sentience at the moment of death,” explained an acquaintance whose non-belief had been shaken. “Even an ex-spouse, or that neighbor you had that let his dog bark all night—it’s relatively simple to resign yourself to an eternity of non-existence for them, even though you may have fantasized about unending torment for them in the past. But I am so attracted to the idea that Trump is going to Hell I find myself gazing longingly at church spires and being jealous of those within, with their simple, irrational certainty that the President-elect will get the sensational ass-roasting that he truly deserves when Lucifer gets custody of his soul.
“It’s even worse when I start imagining punishments for him, like Satan giving Trump a pussy and letting Rosie O’Donnell grab it for all eternity. Even if I converted, I realize I might not go to Heaven—I am aware that most religious people think that most other religious people are going to Hell, anyway, and I might easily fall into that group. But even when I’m Down There, I figure that me and most of the average condemned souls will get at least an occasional opportunity to stand above the Lowest Circle and kick cinders into Donald Trump’s hair.
“I’m not alone…it’s been especially difficult for my kids. It’s tough for them to stay silent when the religious kids openly brag about Trump eventually getting eviscerated every day and then having Taco Bell Extra Fire Sauce poured into his open abdominal cavity, when we've taught our kids he’ll just get cold and shut up. I try to tell them that would be good enough, and in fact an immense relief to everybody who lives to see it, but I’m not sure they believe me. I’m just bracing for the day when one of them comes out to me and the wife and says those words no rationalist parent wants to hear, “Mom, Dad…I think I might be an Episcopalian.”
“Even some religious people are questioning their faith now that Trump is going to be President. I have a friend who is a Buddhist, and he can’t begin to imagine a reincarnation that’s low and nasty enough for Trump. Even Trump as an intestinal parasite, and I mean an intestinal parasite in a dung beetle, or an infinite cycle of Trump being an insect getting squashed on a windshield seem an insufficient punishment for the life he’s led for my friend. He’s thinking about becoming a Baptist.”
Really? Give up all that Eastern serenity just so he can mean it when he sings “Jesus, Take The Wheel” at karaoke bars?
“It’s the Trump Effect. It’s happening all over.”