Critics of the TSA, many of whom have had tiny scissors and big bottles of shampoo abruptly confiscated by the agency in the past, howled in derision at the new policy of allowing actual small weapons on aircraft, but in a rare show of support for government rulings, the National Rifle Association stood 100% behind the change.
"The only person who can stop a bad guy with a Swiss Army knife is a good guy with a Swiss Army knife," NRA head honcho Wayne LaPierre proclaimed in a press conference. LaPierre went on to say that the NRA with be pushing legislation requiring all airline passengers to carry small, ineffective knives on every flight. "Now if some jihadi whips out a tiny blade and tries to take over an aircraft, we're not going to have a national tragedy, just a mini-knife fight at 30,000 feet. I think we would all agree that a bloody fracas resulting in a bunch of mostly non-fatal stab wounds is far superior to another 9-11."
When questioned why airline passengers would want to carry small knives at all, LaPierre grew irate. "Look, 99.9% of tiny knife owners are responsible citizens. We can trust them not to whip out their two inches of carbon steel and threaten other passengers, no matter how annoying, like the parents of incessantly crying babies or fat guys trying to cram their 400 pounds into the coach seat next to yours. Plus when you've already seen the in-flight movie and read the in-flight magazine, you can whittle or do scrimshaw until the plane lands. And if you've ever enjoyed watching a guy sitting on his porch working at his toe fungus with a penknife, you'll be glad to know that now he'll be able to put his feet up on his tray table and finish up the job while he's sitting in your row. I mean, it's probably true you're going to see more graffiti carved into airplane bathroom doors, but that's a small price to pay for the secure flying atmosphere that only free citizens armed with itt-bitty knives can provide."
When pressed on whether he might change his mind if, indeed, a stabbing in the stratosphere occurred, LaPierre doubled down. "If that occurs, the only solution is to put police officers armed with big knives, like Bowie knives or even samurai swords, aboard every flight. On smaller aircraft, where that's not economical, we tape a machete to the back of every seat, with instructions on how to use it on the safety card. I mean, the airlines expect you to figure out how to put on a damn life vest when you're about to crash—chopping a potential hijacker's fingers off is simple by comparison."
The question of whether individual airlines were prepared to implement his suggestions was shrugged off by La Pierre. "A lot of airlines have an inherent anti-deadly weapon bias," he admitted. "But others are ready to go with the flow. Southwest is already changing their ad campaign from "We Love Bags" to "We Love Knives."