To prove I have been thinking about the big issues, my think tank has developed some political positions that are guaranteed to galvanize Republican primary voters everywhere into supporting my candidacy. Just listen up, GOP guys and girls, and you'll soon be forgetting Bobby Jindal forever! Although maybe you already have.
I will solve global warming by neither confirming nor denying it, but instead embracing it. My slogan on climate change will be It's a Warm Morning in America, and it will focus on the bright side of heating up the planet. Once climate change has turned the western US into a new Dust Bowl, you won't have to drive your RV nearly as far to camp in the desert. And rising seas means closer surf spots! Enjoy!
Evolution will still be taught in public schools, but so will Creationism, and all other religious origin theories, including Buddhist, Ba'hai and Hindu ones. Special attention will be paid to the tribal origin legends of the Native Americans, many of whom believe that Creation sits on the back of a giant turtle, which fell from the sky and smashed the previous big turtle to bits, and will one day be replaced by another giant tortoise that will fall from the heavens, crush us all and usher in another new Creation, so when your kids start insisting on wearing their bicycle helmets at all times and start looking anxiously at the sky for signs of a giant reptile carapace, you'll know they have been paying attention in science class.
I will say I am going to repeal Obamacare, then when I am elected, I will say "Wow, look how many people have that stuff! How did that happen?" and then let it be. All the other Republican candidates will do this too, if elected, but I am the only one who will admit it upfront.
I will heal America's racial divide by being a white President, just like all the other Presidents before me except the current one, who caused America's racial divide by only being half-white.
I am 100% pro-life, and unlike my fellow Republicans I don't offer namby-pamby solutions to the scourge of abortion, like making people listen to fetal heartbeats instead of the satanic rock and roll or the explicit rap lyrics they were enjoying when they got pregnant in the first place. In my America, anyone who wants to stop an abortion will be legally able do so by offering to adopt the unborn child of the abortionee and raise it themselves, because I believe that what all Americans who want to deny women the right to have an abortion really want is a brain-damaged crack baby they can call their own.
Navy Seals everywhere anytime anyone pisses me off. ISIS especially, but this also includes France.
Massive increases in Social Security, Medicare and agricultural aid. I intend to own the poor old farmer vote. You heard me, Iowa voters.
I will balance the budget. And I will figure out a way to make the Chinese pay for it.
A sensible energy policy is the key to America's future, and so is a strong entrepreneurial economy, so anyone who can show two forms of government-issued ID will be allowed to frack for oil anywhere they want.
I also promise to do a quick dance step and give myself a double thumbs-up every time they play "Hail to the Chief" when I enter the room, because governing is about style as well as substance. And since I will be a Republican President, I will need a vacation White House , like Reagan had in Santa Barbara and Bush II had in Texas.
I already have mine picked out. It's in Cabo.