"We needed a foreign policy pro, because the only thing Mitt's actually said about Obama's foreign policy is that it sucks and ours wouldn't. Somebody was bound to notice that sooner or later, so we hired Grennel. Who better than a veteran of those bombs-away days of Bush, when foreign affairs were conducted with a combination of robustness and irrationality that all America could get behind? Then we find out the guy is gay, and we say to ourselves, how does that make us look tough? We had no problem with having the guy as a spokesman, as long as he didn't speak, but he got all hissy about it and walked out.
"We were as surprised as anybody. It's like Mitt said…nobody minded him being gay. Get a few drinks in him and let him open his Twitter feed and he could be hilarious. The cracks about Rachel Maddow and Callista Gingrich were kid stuff compared to some of the tweets we scrubbed, like HClinton has disease named after her—MAD COW and what's round and weighs five hundred pounds CHRIS CHRISTIE HOLDING A ONE POUND BURRITO.
"In the final analysis, voters will see Mitt once again showed how strong he was compared to Obama, by bravely standing up to his own appointee and courageously letting Grennel stomp away sulking rather than raise a finger to defend him. Real Americans know it takes guts to cave in spinelessly to the demands of mindless haters.
"Mitt wisely showed that he knows that this year Republicans have to seek the votes of every bonk-ass loony out there, in order to combat the irresponsible socialist Democratic strategy of actually offering to make the government work. Serious homophobes, like eerie religious crackpots and maniacs who worship guns with a semi-erotic intensity, are an important part of our constituency.
"Governor Romney wants gays to understand that he does not dislike gays personally, but he needs to grovel for the support of everyone who detests them and wishes they didn't exist."
What does he offer gays?
"If they tone it down a little bit, he will be nice to them in private."
What do you mean by tone it down?
"Do they have to tell everybody that they're gay? I mean, they don't have to hang out in sports bars, but do they really need their own kind of bars? Mitt doesn't see the point. And also if they could maintain a nice baritone when they speak, just kind of broadly fake an interest in regular guy stuff and not be quite so precise about their clothes, Mitt would welcome that. They all want gay marriage, but couldn't at least some of them try straight marriage? If Grennel had been married to a woman, nobody would have suspected he was gay, so he'd still have a job today. Him and all his friends. I could see Mitt appointing any number of gays like that. I mean, if they existed."