Now, Senator Hatch is getting on in years, but him thinking that he was around to watch Polk command a room is a clear sign that he’s got more loose screws than IKEA, and that he would be well advised to stick to his current plan to retire and let famous unemployed person Mitt Romney have his spot in DC. That didn’t keep Agent Orange from trumpeting the comparison between himself and the man who saved the Union to anybody willing to entertain that notion, natch, so this column once again did the research, and discovered a series of eerie parallels between Honest Abe and the Prevaricator-in-Chief.
First, their gifts for oratory:
WORDS ACTUALLY SAID BY LINCOLN: “That from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
WORDS ACTUALLY SAID BY TRUMP: “Together, our nations remind the world of the boundless potential of societies that choose freedom over tyranny, and who set the free. And we will free, and we will sacrifice, and we will hope, and we will make things beautiful, especially the aspirations of your people.”
Already, you’re thinking wow. But there’s more:
LINCOLN: Presided over one of the darkest and stormiest periods in American history.
TRUMP: Kept Melania in the dark about Stormy Daniels.
LINCOLN: Went to the theater, accompanied by his wife, where he was shot.
TRUMP: Went to Davos, without his wife, because she was thinking about shooting him.
LINCOLN: Famous for his “Cabinet of Rivals,” which included all of his competitors for the Republican nomination in 1860.
TRUMP: Famous for his “Cabinet of Ass-Kissers,” which included none of his rivals in the Republican party and whose expertise in their chosen departments falls far below their genius for smooching hiney.
LINCOLN: Had high forehead.
TRUMP: Forehead has not been seen since 1988.
LINCOLN: Raised in log cabin. Wrote his homework on a shovel with a lump of coal.
TRUMP: Raised in small mansion. Paid others to do his homework.
LINCOLN: None of his followers ever flew a Confederate flag.
TRUMP: Okay, never mind this one.
LINCOLN: His election divided the country.
TRUMP: Hell, yeah.
LINCOLN: Never went to school past the third grade.
TRUMP: Has third-grade vocabulary.
Hey, we could go on and on here, but we don’t think it’s necessary to point out that Trump and Lincoln both exhale, or exhaled, carbon dioxide or that they share a common language, which is English, or that they both have, or had, all their arms and legs, or that their names are both easy to pronounce. Just the parallels above should convince you Trump will guide us as wisely as the Great Emancipator once did.
Because they were good enough for Orrin Hatch.