I want to get on the ground floor of people being considered by Trump. Already Hulk Hogan, fresh from being dumped by the WWE for using offensive racial epithets in a video from years ago that just surfaced, has announced he wants to be Trump's Veep. "Like The Donald himself cemented his position among Mexican voters by calling them all rapists, I can help him secure the black vote by using the vilest racial slur concerning them multiple times every chance I get," Hogan said persuasively. Likewise, Sarah Palin, the only living woman in the country who can put "Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate" on her résumé, is batting her eyelids at Trump for chance to get her classic gams in gear for another run at the White House. Trump, who rumor has it is actively considering a woman for the second slot, has been heard to mutter "Sarah's not nearly as horse-faced as Carly Fiorina, and I consider that important in a broad who's only a heartbeat away from the Presidency."
The most important function of a Vice Presidential candidate is to balance the ticket. No one can do that better than I can, because in almost every way I am the complete opposite of Trump. Start with the hair. His is an engineering marvel, whereas mine is a shaved remnant. He lives in New York while I homestead in CA. He is rich, and while I am not officially below the poverty line, it's not for lack of spending my money irresponsibly on useless crap like a typical welfare moocher. Literally millions of people hang on Trump's words, while literally dozens of people read mine.
But the most important thing is my ability to uncannily mimic the Trump thought process. Whenever I need to think like Trump, I have a foolproof trick. I say to myself "What would a guy working on his third beer in a sports bar say?" (Acronym--WWAGWOHTBIASBS) and the answer is always exactly the same as the one Trump would give.
Ask that guy about illegal immigrants, and he'll say the same thing Trump said: "KICK 'EM ALL OUT AND BUILD A WALL." Ask him why the waitress shot him a dirty look when she saw him scratching himself with the edge of the menu and he'll say "AW, SHE'S PROBABLY ON HER PERIOD." Ask him about war hero John McCain and he'll say "HEY, WE LOST THAT WAR, SO HE MUST BE A LOSER."
If that guy says that his favorite book is the Bible, which Trump has said, and then he gets questioned about which verse in it is his favorite, which some liberal reporter had the nerve to do to The Donald, he'll say unashamedly "HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ A BOOK TO KNOW IT'S YOUR FAVORITE!"
Trump failed to say that, so he could use my insights, obviously. The reason Trump needs me instead of any average alcoholic on his team is that I am an above average one. The depth of my knowledge is only slightly less impressive than the ability of my dwindling brain cells to retain it. For example, if Trump gets a question about Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, an average guy working on his third beer in a sports bar is not going to be much help. He's just going to blink and bawl "WHO'S ANGELA MERKEL?"
But I'm going to say "THE HELL WITH ANGELA MERKEL! HOW DID A MAJOR NATO COUNTRY END UP BEING RUN BY SOME PUMPKIN-ASSED OLD BIDDY ANYWAY?"
Which is exactly what Trump will say, one of these days.