After listening to my pal Joe Redstate complaining that all the media attention the Obama scandals were getting was making Republicans look bad for saying that the mainstream media were always carrying Obama's water, I was surprised to get a late-night phone call from him a few days later.
"If you were going to write 'I love jihadists,' would you spell out the word 'love' or would you use the little heart symbol?" he asked.
I would write out love, Joe, since I don't have the little heart symbol on my keyboard. What are you up to?
"Just rewriting a few of the Benghazi emails. I'm taking a batch and goosing them up so Congressional Republicans will be able to keep the heat on Obama and Clinton."
You aware that that's completely dishonest and illegitimate, right, Joe?
"Not at all. I'm not altering the essential messages, which show that various government agencies were try to coordinate a coherent response instead of blurting out something stupid off the top of their heads that we Republicans would jump on like a goal-line fumble on the last play of the Super Bowl. I'm just trying to make them a little more cinematic. The original hundred emails were a big problem for us. Not only did they completely fail to implicate Obama, but they were dull, dull, dull. Really. You'd rather read the extended warranty on your weed-whacker. Then theCongressmen tried re-writing them themselves, but the results weren't much better, from an attention-grabbing point of view. So, like all good Republicans do, they decided that the matter would be better handled by the private sector. That's me. Let me bounce a few ideas off you."
"Do you think Hillary might have written 'Ix-nay on the extra security for Benghazi. That Marine detachment is scheduled to be at my place for a private naked barbecue that night?"
I doubt it.
"Yeah, you're probably right. I've never heard her use pig Latin. All right, I've got CIA Director Petraeus saying 'I'm much too busy jogging and having sex with this woman who's writing a book about me to worry about every frigging Ambassador out there. Just tell that guy in Libya to look both ways before he crosses the street and he'll be fine."
Well, the General was having an affair.
"So you're saying that one has the ring of truthy about it?"
You're not going to get me to endorse any of this, Joe.
"I'm aware you have your little journalistic standards. I have a higher calling. I have a mission here."
"What mission is that, Joe?
"To convince the American public that a combination of the explosion of the Yellowstone super volcano, a North Korean nuclear attack and having Hurricane Sandy every single weekend in New Jersey next year would be far less perilous for the nation than allowing Obama to accomplish anything between now and 2016."
That is a tall order, Joe.
"Damn straight. That's why these emails have to be good. Now, would you believe it if I wrote 'Don't bother me about Benghazi now. I'm busy going over the implementation of Agenda 21 with Osama bin Laden at his luxurious secret hideout funded by the American taxpayer. Then I've got to roll a few frames with him in the White House bowling alley again. You know how he complains about being stuck inside all the time."
I'd make it hoops instead of bowling, Joe. You want it to sound authentic.