“Wait a second,” I hear you saying. “What about Kevin Spacey? What about Louie CK?” It’s true these are big, icky stories, too. Forcing yourself on young men or holding women captive while you slap your bishop at them are not things you want to have to admit doing. Turns out they are real career-breakers as well, as both of these guys went from major Hollywood players to people you wouldn’t let sit your dog in one news cycle. The only people that will even have lunch with them now are Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein.
All we learned about Louie is that when he played a chunky, unattractive guy filled with submerged anger at all the sex he wasn’t getting, he wasn’t just acting.
But what we learned about Kevin Spacey was even more important. If he had the foresight to have been the actual President of the United States, instead of just playing him on TV, he would still have his job.
Because while we, the American public, don’t want to be grossed out by watching known molesters on Netflix, we’re cool with them leading the nation. I don’t just mean President Pussy Grabber either—you had Bill Clinton running the White House in the horny 90’s. Even his predecessor, Bush the Elder, was caught palming hiney last month. The thinking here is, it wasn’t the first time HW went for the gusto.
So, Judge Moore is still in good shape, despite the fact that he once advocated confinement for all gay people because—wait for it— “They pose a danger to our children.” He also got kicked out of his job at the Alabama Supreme Court for insisting on putting a slab of stone inscribed with the Ten Commandments in the courthouse. Now we know why—he could check it every day to make sure it didn’t say “Thou shalt not put a little girl’s hand in thy BVD’s.”
But the Judge will probably still take a seat in the Senate next year, for two reasons—first, he’s running in Alabama, and secondly, Alabama is the state he’s running in. Alabama is a bucolic land, operated for the most part by white Christian Republican men, many of whom have probably been forced to beg God’s forgiveness already for satisfying their lust with underage girls, near relatives, or farm animals.
What I’m saying is that the voters of Alabama understand their Judge. A man can’t be expected to keep his hands off all the fourteen-year-old girls running wild through the fields of their state, flaunting their blossoming attributes in the face of his masculine needs.
They’ll all trudge to the polls and pull the lever for the Judge, and at least some of them, conscious of the state’s history of sexual passion, will be thinking to themselves:
“At least it wasn’t his sister.”