Now that we’ve survived the first month of the Administration of Agent Orange*, some of us are preparing for four years of resistance, including MILF pop princess Madonna, who celebrated the Inauguration by channeling her inner Ted Nugent in DC.
Some of us though, resigned that there is going to be nothing that makes us politically satisfied for at least four years, are vowing to turn away from political strife and immerse ourselves in other, life-enhancing practices. For those people, there are two newly-offered obsessions—beer yoga and smell porn.
Beer yoga is not what I first thought it was, which would be drinking beer and watching women who are far too young to sensibly consider me as a sexual partner do yoga.
No, beer yoga actually consists of incorporating a bottle of beer into classic yoga moves, as you can see by the pic. The half-boat posture becomes the half-loaded posture, the Cobra position now incorporates a 40-ouncer of the classic malt liquor King Cobra. You get the picture.
Ordinarily, I don’t think of myself as stretchy, flexible and coordinated enough to do yoga. The danger for me, if I took up this new fad, is that I might consider myself to possess those qualities if I drank enough beer. I could end up a twisted, helpless, intoxicated heap on my mat. If that happens, stay calm and please administer more beer.
Smell porn I am not likely to indulge in either, because it requires the purchase of equipment and supplies and I, like every natural cheap American, currently spend zero money on porn. You need to buy something resembling a gas mask and odor packets to load it up with, then hook up online with a “cam girl,” like smell porn advocate Victoria Ryan, also pictured above. Victoria, in addition to twisting herself into every position and performing any act you desire to watch her attempt, will release the odors she calculates will arouse you the most. These odors, according to my source article, include “licorice and donuts.”
Yep, Krispy Kremes and chewy candy make you horny. It’s safe to admit that, now.
Odors of urine and feces will not be available in smell porn, at least for the rollout. Just when everyone was eager to take a golden shower, too.
Other porn pioneers scorn the new technology. They are advocates for artificially intelligent sex dolls,** or at least robot hands that will tirelessly stroke you for years at a time. Maybe even four years at a time.
Oh, boy. Now we’re back to politics.
*The GRU's favorite nickname for Trump
**This link goes to Breitbart, which shows you what kind of people are looking for sex dolls.