Ted Cruz probably took first place by frying bacon with a machine gun over the weekend. After wrapping a piece of bacon around the muzzle of an automatic weapon, he then fired enough rounds through the barrel to cook it to a nice crisp. Ted said it took two clips of bullets to complete the process.
Assuming that Ted was talking about forty round clips, the minimum size a man needs to attach to his AK-47 in order to avoid being branded a wussie or a Democrat, that's eighty rounds of firepower per slice of bacon. Also assuming that Ted doesn't get his ammunition any cheaper than I can get it by buying it in bulk online, it costs him a minimum of 22 cents a round. That means it costs $17.60 per slice to fry bacon for his family. I am pretty sure my George Foreman grill can do it cheaper than that. I'm not saying that those who serve in our Armed Forces don't deserve to machine-gun their bacon if they prefer it prepared that way, and with Ted in charge of the Pentagon budget if elected, it's certain they'll have the extra money in hand to do so.
But he'll have to fork out a few R&D bucks if he wants to serve a complete breakfast that has been cooked by small-arms fire, because so far even Cruz has found it impossible to fry an egg with a machine gun.
Second place went to Rand Paul, who tore up a copy of the federal Tax Code with a chainsaw. Killing things with a chain saw is generally considered even more butch than killing things with a machine gun, but Paul knows he screwed up by wearing safety goggles while doing it. "I know, I know," the chagrined candidate admitted. "I should have worn a hockey mask."
Chris Christie tried to get in on the macho posturing by saying "Teacher's unions need to get punched in the mouth." When his standing in the polls didn't increase, he announced that he was going to start punching individual teachers in the mouth. "I'm not going to spare old lady teachers working past retirement because they love their jobs, either," he added. "They're the ones that have been begging for the same wages as a construction worker or a bartender the longest. They get my fist right in their chops. Then, maybe for laughs, I drop-kick them right where their saggy panty hose comes together."
Scott Walker had the Wisconsin governor's residence in Madison surrounded by barrels of pitch and then set them afire, producing smoke and flame that could be seen as far away as Fond du Lac, to express his contempt for global warming proponents. "I know it makes the place look perhaps a shade too much like the mouth of Hell," he admitted, "but I trust Republican primary voters are sophisticated enough to know the difference. If it really disturbs you, imagine illegal immigrants trying to jump through the flames."
Other candidates were making less of a splash. John Kasich's campaign's attempt to differentiate the Ohio pol from the rest of the pack with the slogan "Hey, I'm a Governor, too," was reported falling on deaf ears. Bobby Jindal said something stupid, but nobody even bothered to write it down. Ben Carson tried to talk his way out of saying that the "Black Lives Matter" movement didn't make any sense by saying that he thought people were saying "Black Wives Matter."
"They sure do," he agreed. "And mine wants to live in the White House."