The phenomena of the Alpha and Omega urging individual Republicans to run for the Oval Office raises several interesting questions, the most obvious being why did He ask at least four of them? This reporter turned to a recognized authority on the mind of God, the Dr. Reverend Oral Willkie, head of the Thomas E. Dewey School of Theology, to probe the mysterious ways of the Lord regarding the GOP.
Why do at least four Republican candidates claim to have the Creator's personal directive to launch campaigns for the White House?
"God has always used different messengers to deliver different messages. Each of the Republican candidates is carrying a different form of His Word to the American people."
Why the Republican party? Is God a Republican?
"God is a registered independent, but because He, as many sincere believers already suspect, is a white, Christian, gun-owning American who lives in a rural or suburban area, He is most comfortable supporting the Republican Party."
What messages do the candidates each convey?
"Rick Perry, having presided over 241 executions and counting while governor of Texas, brings the message that God is not upset with anyone for supporting capital punishment. He, after all, invented capital punishment, and applies it inevitably to each one of us. The whole "Thou Shalt Not Kill" thing deserved a footnote, except nobody used footnotes back in the day. Chiseling just the body of a text onto a rock was tough enough."
What about Michele Bachmann?
"The Bachmann candidacy conveys the message that God likes women, too, especially women that obey their husbands and woman who have unwanted children as a result of rape or incest. Bachmann's candidacy is God's way of saying 'You go, girls. Yeah, you go. Go clean up the kitchen and make Me a snack."
Herman Cain's candidacy would seem to make God a little bit uncomfortable, especially if He is the sort of white suburban Guy you make him out to be.
"On the contrary, the Cain candidacy is the most important of all. First, God is saying it's okay to be cool with black people, especially black people who don't do what white people hate, like make rap music or invent touchdown celebrations, and do do what white people like, like mass-producing and delivering tasteless pizzas. Secondly, because Cain is the man-killing electrified fence across Mexico candidate, God is telling us that it's fine to hate Mexicans, because they speak Spanish and have cornered all the country's landscaping jobs."
And Rick Santorum?
"That was obviously a partially dropped call. God wants Rick Santorum to be Vice-President."
Why doesn't God talk to the other Republican candidates? Ron Paul or Newt Gingrich, for example?"
"God won't talk to Ron Paul because Paul wants to legalize drugs and God knows that there's nothing s like an excessive prison sentence for mere drug possession to get someone to start praying to Him, especially in those first few moments in the prison shower. Nobody talks to Gingrich."
Is their any reason to think that God will start calling Democrats?
"No. If you're a Democrat and you get a call from God, He's probably drunk-dialing again. It's not likely, though. He's sworn off that, ever since He called Jimmy Carter."