We’re just going to highlight the worthier of the picks here. First up is Dr. Mehmet Oz, who advocates various supplements which he guarantees will turn you into a slim, middle-aged man with a nice head of hair like him. None of the supplements actually work, which doesn’t stop Oz from discovering more of them. He is the type of doctor who can proclaim on cable TV that cilantro enemas cure colon cancer, and desperate people start shoving tacos up their asses.
Dr. Oz has been featured in these pages before, notably here and here.
Bill Belichick, the head coach of the New England Patriots, was also picked by Trump for the Council. Belichick has cheated his way, via spy cameras and deflated footballs, to a 5-3 record in Super Bowls. He and his team are so widely hated that they turned the entire nation, with the exception of the New England area and a few soreheads in Minnesota, into Philadelphia Eagles fans for the last SB. Eagles fans are the motliest in the NFL, noted for booing Santa Claus and cracking the skulls of anyone who dares to show up in their stadium wearing an opposing team’s jersey.* They have funny accents, greasy food, and a fight song no one sober can sing without cringing. The world was surprised that they only overturned a couple of cars during their obligatory celebration riot when the Eagles prevailed over the Pats. You wouldn’t want to be an Eagles fan unless you had to, but disgust with Belichick and his moody, supermodel-screwing quarterback Tom Brady meant that Eagles fans covered the country from sea to shining sea last February.
The Incredible Hulk, also known as Lou Ferrigno, will join the Council as well. The Hulk will be able to advise Trump about how to climb the ladder of success by using illegal steroids instead of inheriting hundreds of millions of dollars from your dad. Also the benefits of spraying your skin green instead of orange.
The rest of the appointees are retired jocks without anything better to do than have lunch at the taxpayer’s expense, which may lead you to say Why do we need a President’s Council on Sports, Fitness and Nutrition at all?
The answer is, we don’t. The Council has been around since 1963 and hasn’t done a damn thing in those fifty-odd years to keep us from becoming a nation of couch-squatting diabetics, hopelessly addicted to deep-fried anything and two-for-one pizza deals. But with Trump in the Oval Office, it now has a purpose.
It gives him a chance to use the word “Council” correctly.
Full disclosure: The author is a native of Philadelphia.