Protect us from what? we can hear you say. Space is mostly a vacuum, occasionally interrupted by satellites, bolts that come loose from satellites, the Sweet Meteor of Doom and the phantom planet Niburu. None of these are natural targets for the Space Force.
But don’t say the Space Force is stupid yet, or at least as stupid as having a military parade clog up the streets of DC. Enemies lurk in space. Some of them you may have forgotten about. We’re here to refresh your memory.
Alien Anal Probers—They’re coming back, and they ain’t bringing any lube. The Space Force will be charged with protecting the rectal integrity of every redneck sleeping off a drunk in the back of a pickup truck all across this great nation. It will be up to the SF to keep these intergalactic proctologists at bay.
Ancient Astronauts—Real estate on Earth is a lot pricier than it was six thousand years ago, and we don’t need these guys returning and snatching up huge gobs of it to put up their pyramids or Nazca figures. The Space Force will stand guard over our strip malls and used car lots.
Martians of any ilk—Face it, the Martians are probably sore about us sending an array of orbiters and rovers to spy on their planet. They regard us as the Peeping Toms of the solar system, possibly quite rightly, and we need the Space Force to stand between us and them coming to roust us out of the bushes underneath their teenage daughter’s bedroom.
Guardians of the Galaxy—Sure, one of them was born here, but if he ever tries to return with the bunch of space aliens he pals around with currently, he’s an alien smuggler, pure and simple. The Space Force Border Patrol will make sure his rocket ship full of brown, green, blue and mauve people doesn’t try and immigrate here.
ET—Not at first glance a danger, with his glowing fingertip that heals everything, but think what havoc he could wreak on the American healthcare system, as people line up to get cured without copays, deductibles, or referrals to a specialist. Why not just put him to work for an HMO, you say? Three words—obvious diversity hire.
Aliens—These individuals present daunting challenges for even the bravest members of the Space Force. Volunteering for combat against them could easily end up with the volunteer becoming the unwilling repository for their eggs, eventually coughing up a newborn slimy critter in his or her death throes.
Think about that before you sign up. The Coast Guard looks better all the time, right?