The Sweetheart of Spin, Kellyanne Conway, insisted that Trump was fine with that. “The Donald nixed John, Dion and Beyoncé himself. Elton John is gay, Beyoncé is black and Celine Dion is Canadian. The boss just exploded when he heard that they had even been asked. The Trump Inauguration is not going to be some sickening celebration of diversity."
But somebody has to play. Who?
"Get your libtard head out of the sand. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, that’s who. After they sing a couple of their standards, like ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘The Battle Hymn of the Republic,’ they’re going to get funky. They’ve been practicing ‘All About That Bass,’ and ‘One Dance’ ever since they landed the gig. You haven’t heard real music until you've heard 360 dulcet Mormon voices singing ‘Back That Ass Up."
And that’s the whole show?
“Not by far. The President’s main bro, Vladimir Putin, with whom he is going to have great relations and also an arms race, has his back. He’s going to let Pussy Riot out of prison again on the condition that they grace the stage in DC. The Beach Boys may perform, but they may not—they admitted some more of them plan to be dead by January 20th."
But who is going to headline?
“One of the best-known names in the entertainment industry—Ted Nugent!”
Ted is well-known, I admit, but more for being investigated by the Secret Service and machine-gunning pigs from the air in Texas than for his music. He hasn’t put more than 500 people in their seats for a concert since 1979.
“All that’s going to change. He’s got a new band and a new style. ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ is going to be the new national anthem when he plays it in DC is what he promises us. He’s written a rap version of his biggest hit, and renamed it (Grab That) Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.”
Ted is going to rap?
“You betcha. And I guarantee he can rap better than the vast majority of white guys in their sixties. The crowd is going to be spellbound.”
Are you sure? Traditionalists may prefer the older version.
“Wang Dang Sweet Poontang is still an unblushing ode to vagina, for which Ted and the President-elect share a common affection."
Yeah, and they dodged the draft together in the ‘60’s , too.
“Hah, hah. Enjoy saying that while it’s still legal is my advice.”
Did you have to give Ted an ambassadorship to get him to play?
“Naw. Just a couple of old artillery pieces. Those pigs in Texas are in for a big surprise.”