Nugent was said to be resting comfortably at his home in Florida. The subtle lyricist who composed “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,” and “Yank It, Crank It,” was reported to be suffering only from a mild recurrence of herpes.
“Nothing even close to fatal,” said a spokesperson for the Nuge. “I know you guys want to see him dead, but Ted is alive and well. Sure, he’s the type of stringy-haired old white guy who looks like a poster child for the opioid crisis, but he doesn’t even take drugs. We’ve already lost a lot of talented musicians to overdoses. Ted doesn’t want to be one of them.”
Well, he’s already not a talented musician.
“Bite your tongue! How many hit songs can one man write?”
Way more than the Nuge has. Look at Prince, or Jerry Garcia.
“But they’re both dead. Ted has time to catch up.”
But Ted Nugent only writes about his penis and how it likes vaginas. Isn’t he worried about running out of material? I mean, Sir Mix-A-Lot had a hit about liking big butts. Isn’t that an artistic path the Nuge would like to explore?
“No. Ted doesn’t like big butts. He’s likes skinny, underage trailer park ass. And he’s never going to have to stand in some purple rain to get lyrics for a song. He’s probably got his genitals in his hand right now, and they are inspiring him. This is the man who wrote “Wango Tango.” Don’t you think he has another sensational hit in him?
Maybe “Wango Bango?" Although “Skinny, Underage Trailer Park Ass” might work, too.
“Huh. Those are not bad. You don’t mind if I pass them along to him, do you? But in the meantime, Ted is not dead.”
All right, strike out the drug overdose. Couldn’t he have a hunting accident?
“The Nuge practices extreme gun safety at all times. I know he talks about shooting liberals and reporters constantly, but if he does get around to doing it, the safety is going to stay on until the moment he needs to blast away at them like they were rabid coyotes, and then it is going to be quickly thumbed back into position.”
People who note Ted’s history of pooping in his pants to escape the draft, so he wouldn’t get shot at like he was a Florida high school student, sometimes think that the only thing Ted has guts enough to shoot off regularly is his mouth.
“And what’s so bad about that? Actually shooting liberals is still illegal. But if some random schizophrenic is inspired by the Nuge to do it, then the liberals get dead with no legal problems for him and it’s all good.”
So, Ted is comfortable with inspiring the mentally unstable to do violence?
“Why not? Trump does it all the time.”